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Started By
Message
A joke for today
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:06 pm
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:06 pm
Stolen from reddit but thought I'd share this classic.
Three guys are hiking in the woods and spot a lamp buried under the leaves. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a woman beautiful beyond words wraps herself around his arm. Guy #2 says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. The first guy after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth for life." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still thrashing his arms about. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fricked up."
Three guys are hiking in the woods and spot a lamp buried under the leaves. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a woman beautiful beyond words wraps herself around his arm. Guy #2 says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. The first guy after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth for life." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still thrashing his arms about. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fricked up."
24
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:06 pm to foshizzle
Tldr
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:08 pm to foshizzle
Bookmarked for my next flight so i can kill a few hours.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:08 pm to foshizzle
(no message)
This post was edited on 4/15/17 at 4:09 am
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:10 pm to CAD703X
quote:
Tldr
FIFY:
Three guys are hiking in the woods.....3rd guy says, "Guys, I think I fricked up."
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:11 pm to foshizzle
quote:
$1,000,000,003.50
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:11 pm to foshizzle
quote:
but thought I'd share this classic.
I don't know about that
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:26 pm to foshizzle
quote:
"Guys, I think I fricked up."
So did I.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:29 pm to foshizzle
So this is one of those jokes that's funny because it isnt funny?
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:29 pm to foshizzle
What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl??
With a dustpan
With a dustpan
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:31 pm to foshizzle
You ruined this joke by bringing it here.
Most on this board are too cool to laugh at something truly funny, or just don't get it.
Anyway, it is all about delivery.
Most on this board are too cool to laugh at something truly funny, or just don't get it.
Anyway, it is all about delivery.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:32 pm to foshizzle
I"m not laughing. Did I miss something?
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:33 pm to foshizzle
How do you put the water in a watermelon?
Grow it in the Spring.
Grow it in the Spring.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:36 pm to foshizzle
At first I was pissed for wasting my time reading that...then I realized the joke was on me. Upvote.
This post was edited on 3/27/17 at 7:07 pm
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:41 pm to Pectus
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance
opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are
wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping
his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the
plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, one of
these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:46 pm to foshizzle
The past, present and future walked into a bar.
The bartender knew they were tense.....
The bartender knew they were tense.....
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:54 pm to foshizzle
Are you going to post a joke?
We're waiting...
We're waiting...
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:55 pm to fightin tigers
quote:Wat
You ruined this joke by bringing it here.
Most on this board are too cool to laugh at something truly funny, or just don't get it.
Anyway, it is all about delivery.
I'm so cool, I don't laugh at jokes that aren't funny.
Posted on 3/27/17 at 6:57 pm to foshizzle
Here's a better one
An elderly widowed gentleman in a nursing home became very friendly with an elderly lady. He told her his former wife used to hold his penis every night to help him go to sleep.
The elderly lady decided to do this for her new male friend every night for a week. Each night he fell soundly asleep. The next week the gentleman told the lady that he was sorry but he had found a new partner. She was very upset and asked him, "What does she have that I don't have?"
He replied,
"Parkinson's"
An elderly widowed gentleman in a nursing home became very friendly with an elderly lady. He told her his former wife used to hold his penis every night to help him go to sleep.
The elderly lady decided to do this for her new male friend every night for a week. Each night he fell soundly asleep. The next week the gentleman told the lady that he was sorry but he had found a new partner. She was very upset and asked him, "What does she have that I don't have?"
He replied,
"Parkinson's"
Posted on 3/27/17 at 7:08 pm to fr33manator
A Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go pee in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go pee in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
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