Negotiating with home builder

Ask for everything you want in the home. If you don't know everything you want in the home, you should not be custom building

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Technically the builder builds the house, then we are buying it from him.

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Then search the market for alternate homes as you approach a purchase date. If you find better value elsewhere, use that as leverage. If the builder's price is nonnegotiable, pull the trigger on the alternative.

There is money to be saved by choice of subcontractors (cabinetmakers, electricians, etc) and product/deals. But it sounds like you're looking at a semicustom spec scenario. Often the builder already has his subs and product range selected for spec projects.

There is no "norm". It's what you want....but also consider the standards for the neighborhood. You don't want substandard amenities for the area, nor do you want to overbuild. So look at area homes; what are they selling for per square ft? Use this as a guide when deciding to upgrade finishes/fixtures.

Whatever choices you make, be sure to exercise some taste/judgement on exterior materials color. The semi-custom & spec houses in my 'hood stick out like sore thumbs, mainly because their exterior color choices are boring to bad. If you have white soffit/fascia, don't hang beige gutters, black shutters, and then put up a completely different off-white garage door. If you feel unsure about color choices, hire a design consultant or at least solicit the opinions of a few tasteful friends.

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Our builder owns his own building supply company.

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Right.
Strike one option.

So your negotiation success will really be based on (1) your ability to walk away, and (2) your willingness to do so.

You're not negotiating, your choosing upgrades on a spec house. There should be a number next to all your options.If you choose to build a custom house then you can negotiate cost. Good luck

It's a spec house, but we choose the floor plan and such. His standards are custom cabinets, hardwood in living area and hallways, crown molding, black ge appliances. He's firm on selling price but willing to negotiate on upgrades.

We haven't picked out our hardwoods yet. We are just now putting an offer in.

How are u putting offer in if he's firm on price

This sounds like a disaster honestly

Cat 6 line pulled through house. Legitimate counter depth. Not that counter mount depth short shite. Gutters installed. Landscaping specifics. Pre wire for security and surround sound. Whole house. Exterior especially.

Can someone link me to the thread with the "things you wish you did when you built your house" thread?