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I got arrested and had my case on "crime stoppers". I had not broken any laws and was respectfull to the arresting osifer. I got 2 years and 6 yrs on the sexy registry.I had been drinking all night, woke up and drove to my moms to cut her grass. It's a hot summer Alabama morning so I shed my shirt and get to mowing. All is well as I get an uncomfortable feeling in ma belly. I said to myself, "frick it, I'll make it". I continue to mow and just like lightning, I 2poop my britches. So I kill the mower and look down and behold, I have a 2girls-onecup-plus a can of alpo-campbells vegtable soup lookin mess running down my legs into the top of my sneakers. I am now pissed as I didn't bring my keys to mom's house and I sure as hell ain't setting my shitty arse in the seat of my '68 Barracuda. I walk around to the back of the house and get the hose pipe turned on, drop my shorts (commando) and start spraying. I'm now facing the house and that water is cold as hell. I get most of the sludge washed off my legs so I bend over, reach between my legs with the sprayer and blast the offending orifice. I then happen to look between my legs, past my mamouth slong, through the hose pipe monsoon and see my moms neighbor lady standing there upsidedowner as hell ~ 20 yards away from me. She's standing there, upsidedowner as hell, arms crossed, wide eyed stairing at me like I've done something wrong! So I stair right back at this upsidedowner as hell bitch and she don't fricken flinch. She's giving me the stink-eye and I'm giving her the three-eyed stink-eye so I just continue the irrigation of the offending orifice. Satisfied that ma bunghole is realatively clean, I stand up, turn around and put my shorts and shoes back on. As you may have guessed, this right-side up bitch is still standing there looking at me like I should cut her fricking grass! Not knowing what to do, I just give her one of these I did the mash, I did the monster mash.

Things we can all learn from this story.

1. Never mow a yard in a neighborhood were an neighbor lady can call the police and the "arresting osifer" can arrive quicker than the average person can wash their arse and get their cloths back on.

2.Never include the term "mamouth slong" in your explanation to an "arresting osifer".

3 If an "arresting osifer" tells you that you will be put on a "sexy registry" he is not a real cop.
4. Never, and I mean never, tell this type of story about yourself.