Good morning, turd burglars. I'm up early through no fault of my own and decided to impose every thought in my brain upon you.

In today's inaugural - and likely final - edition, we (I) discuss the Champions League quarterfinals, World Cup qualifiers, Rangers on the up, cancer stuffs and C-Ron in tighties. Also, I'll provide thoughts on NBC's decision to replace Rebecca Lowe with Arlo White for studio duties while Rebecca is off being mum. (Did I spell that right? She's English and all, yeah?)

Obligatory Fulham rant

frick this fricking team and it's rape-mustache owner. Fighting relegation like proper Geordies. Bunch of bullshite.

Game recap - Fulham 2-1 MK Dons

Champions League quarterfinals, Leg 1

Tuesday's games:
Barcelona - Atlético, 1:45 p.m. (FS1)
Bayern - Benfica, 1:45 p.m. (FS2)

Wednesday's games:
PSG - Manchester Citeh, 1:45 p.m. (FS1)
Wolfsburg - Real Madrid, 1:45 p.m. (FS2)

The all-Spanish (and some Catalan) tie got more interesting with Barcelona's lack of care against Real Madrid over the weekend. The most important outcome was a hot shot of C-Ron in his Hanes, but more on that later.

Messi looked a bit gassed after the international break and took a lot of rest while on the pitch for 90 minutes during El Clásico. Meanwhile, Atlético put a pasting on Betis. Antoine Griezmann scored twice and esteemed Chelsea alum Fernando Torres bagged the opener in the game.

You wouldn't rate FCB to put together consecutive lackluster performances at home, but Atlético poses a strong challenge. This tie will come down to the wire in a fortnight. For now, FCB takes the first leg, 2-1.

PSG-City is an intriguing tie as one of these sorry-arse clubs will actually make the semifinals for once. But for no other reason than that. City looked like good City against Bournemouth, but PSG also rolled over the weekend.

Tough call, but I'll say PSG 2-0 at home.

Other scores: Bayern 3-0 Benfica, Wolfsburg 6-9 Madrid

World Cup qualifiers

So Mexico is in el Hex. Yippee. Canada proved they're still shite. USA proved they were shite too, but slightly less shite than Canada.

We all know where CONCACAFAFAFAFAFAF stands, so I'll focus on Asia as they completed the penultimate round of qualifying during the last break.

12 teams advanced to the final round. They'll be separated into two groups of six to be drawn on April 12 at the Mandarin Oriental (racist, insensitive hotel) in Kuala Lumpur.

The good news? North Korea is out. The bad news? The AFC rigged qualifying to make Qatar look really good in winning their group with 21 of 24 points and a +25 goal difference (frick off, Bhutan; lost combined 36-0 over 4 games to Qatar and China). Feel good story? Both Iraq and Syria qualified for the next round. Story to watch? Uzbekistan looking to finally qualify after narrowly missing out the last couple of times.

Here are the qualifiers, with a lot of the usual suspects in the hat:

Group winners: Saudi Arabia, Oztralia, Qatar, Iran, Japan, Thighland, Korea del Sur, Uzbekistan
Best runners-up: United Arab Rich Muhfrickas, China, Syria, Iraq (ISIS doing fricking work)

Rangers (almost) back in the show

Since TN Bhoy denies the existence of Rangers, he won't care what I write here. But Rangers will likely be promoted this week when they Dumbarton at Ibrox. They could have sealed the deal but gave up a late equalizer at Raith Rovers to ensure the heathen party takes place at home. The rest of Scotland is probably thrilled.

This means months upon months of military buildup ahead of next season's top-flight versions of the Old Firm (can we call it New Firm?) which will be better than the original versions (unless it's like Anchorman 2).

Nothing else to say. Mainly just provocation. Carry on.

Hot hot hot picture of the week

So Real Madrid got a late winner to win at Camp Nou on Saturday. What ensued in the dressing room after was just amazing. Like Stu Holden can't hang amazing.

1. C-Ron forgot his clothes (or did he? tee hee)
2. Marcelo is essentially getting pecker-slapped in the back of the head by C-Ron
3. frick sake, Pepe is ugly
4. Jesé wants you to take it. Hard.

Other shite

Rebecca Lowe is out on maternity leave which we all knew was going to happen. But I'm baffled by the decision to put Arlo White behind the desk and take him out of the booth. Don't get me wrong, Arlo's dulcet tones give me wood. But seems like you could have found any schmuck to fill the seat on the desk (let's face it, no one does it as well as Rebecca) to at least get by through the season. Leave Arlo in the booth calling the games.

Later this morning I'll be firmly rooted to a cancer chair for the first of 12 rounds of chemo. The bad news? It's 6 hours of sitting in a chair getting slowly bombarded with drugs. The good news? I can Netflix and chill with some hot old ladies in the infusion center.

That's all for this edition. I probably won't do it again.

Keep Calm and Don't Trust Whitey,

Brave