re: Tell Me About your Dad

quote:

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Tell Me About your Dad

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I'd rather tell you about your mom, but...

My dad was left reeling when my mom left him abruptly when I was a toddler (basically abandoned us both on a dime). He took great care of me as single dad as best he could - in an era when "single dad" wasn't really a thing. However, he still struggled with anger. Several years later, he married my step-mom, who went on to blow our entire family to smithereens. I somehow was able to hit the eject button as a teenager, but he never got out. We were in and out of estrangement for decades, as she slowly beat the will to live out of him and forbid him to see friends and family. (He used to get together with his Catholic High buddies at Coffee Call after church every week until she forbid it. These were friends of literally 60 years.)

Well, she up and died fairly recently (their "plan" was always for HIM to die first). A neighbor found him in the house, withered down to about 125lbs, eating out of an ice chest because she wouldn't allow the expense of having their fridge repaired after the hurricane shorted it or something. The neighbor somehow got my name out of him, and managed to get in touch with me. He was terrified that I wouldn't respond.

In any event, I got down to BR and attempted to put the situation right. Got him eating again and surrounded by all the people she had cut out for years. He was deeply full of shame, but also seemed deeply grateful that all of those estranged family members immediately came to his aid and comfort the second they were let in - despite decades of ill treatment. Got him moved into an assisted living facility of quality repute in BR. We thought this would "save" him. To the contrary, he appears to have already been too damaged. He only lasted 2 months in AL before having to go into the memory care unit. In December, he was officially diagnosed Alzheimers (and he is 100 pounds heavier than that day he was found shriveled up).

He knows who I am and all, but I believe he is trapped in a mental space that curses him with high anxiety when I (or any of the other forbidden folks) attempt to interact with him. His first thought is something like "am I allowed to do this?" I would say his quality of life is terrible - it's not even a life.

Moral of the story: the biggest decisions you make in life are the PEOPLE you choose to partner with and have deep relationships with. I don't know if he was mentally weak or what, but he chose extremely poorly. CHOSE a woman over his only child. CHOSE to submit to a regime that ruined him.

I don't know how I got out, but I'm glad I did. I hope he passes away in peace. I know for damn sure this is NOT how I have conducted my life.

Still, he's Daddy. It makes me sad to think back to those "single dad" times when he really did dedicate himself to my care. And it absolutely BREAKS ME INSIDE to even consider the notion that I could do something to my own brood that would have them be in this position relative to me in my dotage. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Cheated and left my mom when I was one. He’s been a role model for me as I’ve always tried to be the exact opposite of him.

Mine was a one of kind and one of the nicest men you could ever meet. He gave up a a lot when we growing up so that we could go to private school and have everything we needed.
He’s been gone for 12 years now and I miss him everyday. He could never shake his time in Vietnam and took his own life in 2010. I’ve tried my best to not let the end of his life define the man that he was.

My dad is nearing retirement age. He is also my next door neighbor and I consider him a friend. He can also be a pain in the arse at times. Any home projects either at my house or his are usually tackled together. But he is a procrastinator so I can't always go at his pace on things.

He bought a dishwasher from Lowe's last year off of the scratch and dent aisle. He was so proud of his 300 dollar dishwasher (because brand new it was around 1100).

"The scratches are just in the protective film. This thing is like new!!"

He was so excited to score such an awesome deal. Anyway, being the procrastinator he is. We slid the new dishwasher in it's place and it sat, disconnected for over a year. He kept saying well I need to get some new hoses for it which he finally did. Christmas night 2022 my two brother in laws (my sister's (no pics) husbands) decide we are all going to collectively install this dishwasher. They hooked up the water hoses and noticed the drain line didn't look quite right.

It was because my father bought a dishwasher off of the scratch and dent aisle at lowe's with no sump pump on it. The main component that makes the dishwasher work was missing.

So after all of that he still had to buy a new dishwasher. 300 dollars in the hole.

Dad came from a well respected family with several brothers and a sister. His father died early of cancer and so did he. I was 12 at the time of his death and really hit me hard. I was at the age of really starting to see what kind of man he was and he started to do things with me. He was an alcoholic, and did womanize a little to my moms chagrin. Big man around town because he was a civil servant. My mother finally got fed up with his carousing, and moved us to another home. He finally slowed his drinking down and we came back home. It was one of the greatest times of my young life. Sadly he died a few years later. Never was much of a mechanic, carpenter, or anything mechanical. But loved to hunt, fish, and play golf. He died on his birthday after over a year of dying slowly of cancer. He had to live to that date, so my mother would get his retirement. Still have fond memories of him, even though he whipped my as on occasion because I needed it. Helped a lot of people around here because of his job. You know a man was respected when strangers would come up to me and tell me how my dad helped them out in some way or another.

Chomo? Yeah I know what that is, I’ve watched prison shows. Sorry to hear that.