re: Lyrics that make you laugh

Well, I may be alone, but there's someone at home
I just know I'm makin' a mistake
A woman like you walks in a place like this
You can almost hear the promises break

Well, I told her I wouldn't, I thought I couldn't
Now I'm so ashamed
When I look at you, that's all that I can do
To think about what's-her-name

Todd Snider
Trouble

quote:

---

Ladies, let me tell you about myself
I got a dick for a brain
And my brain is gonna sell my arse to you Now I'm OK, but in time I'll find I'm stuck 'Cause she wants love, and I still want to frick

---

Afghan Whigs - Be Sweet

"See I don't fight fair na I don't fight fair
Gucci Mane'll put that arse in intensive care
Matter of fact if ya see me fight a grizzly bear, I suggest you help the fricking grizzly bear"

-Gucci Mane - "Everybody Know Me"

quote:

---

Speaking of whom, I sometimes laugh at "The End" now - because the way Ray Manzarek describes Morrison's presentation of the lyrics to the band.

"Jim was a poet first and foremost, with an undeniably dark tone. So he has these lyrics, and it's like the most depressed person you've ever met, delivering the words line by line. 'This is the end, *SIGH*, my only friend, the end. *SIGH*' - and even Ray chuckled a little bit and said, "Like he was a parody of himself."

---

I like a lot of The Doors' music, but Morrison was often cringe-inducing. Those times he showed up to perform, I'm surprised the audience didn't throw fruit at him when he recited his drivel.

Suicidal Tendencies

I Saw Your Mommy...

Yesterday, as I went out of the house
I saw a body lying down quiet as a mouse
Lying face down in the sewer
I got up closer and realized that I knew her

All her organs coming from her inside
Slashed up skin sliced up hide
Turned her over and saw the tire tracks on her head
That's when I realized she was dead

I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat

Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent

I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I watched her as she bled
Chewed off toes on her chopped off feet
I took a picture cause I thought it was neat

But the thing I like seeing the best
Was the rodents using her hair as a nest

I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy nnd your mommy's dead
I saw her lying in a pool of red

I think it's the greatest thing I'll ever see
Your dead mommy lying in front of me
I'll always remember her lying dead on the floor
I hope she dies twenty times more

I saw your mommy and your mommy is dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy is dead

They say I shot a man named Graves-and took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks-and when she died it came to me
I can't help it..if I'm lucky.

Charlie Daniels - Uneasy Rider

I was takin' a trip out to LA
Toolin' along in my Chevrolet
Tokin' on a number and diggin' on the radio

Jes' as I cross the Mississippi line
I heard that highway start to whine
And I knew that left rear tire was about to go

Well the spare was flat and I got uptight
'Cause there wasn't a fillin' station in sight
So I jes' limped down the shoulder on the rim

I went as far as I could and when I stopped the car
It was right in front of this little bar
A kind of a redneck lookin' joint called the Dew Drop Inn

Well I stuffed my hair up under my hat
And told the bartender that I had a flat
And would he be kind enough to give me change for a one

There was one thing I was sure proud to see
There wasn't a soul in the place 'cept for him an' me
And he just looked disgusted an' pointed toward the telephone

I called up the station down the road a ways
And he said he wasn't very busy t'day
And he could have somebody there in jest 'bout ten minutes or so

He said now you jes' stay right where yer at and I didn't bother
Tellin' the durn fool
I sure as hell didn't have anyplace else to go

I just ordered up a beer and sat down at the bar
When some guy walked in an' said who owns this car
With the peace sign the mag wheels and four on the floor

Well he looked at me and I damn near died
And I decided that I'd jus wait outside
So I layed a dollar on the bar and headed for the door

Jes' when I thought I'd get outta there with my skin
These five big dude come strollin' in
With this one old drunk chick and some fella with green teeth

An' I was almost to the door when the biggest one
Said you tip your hat to this lady son
An' when I did all that hair fell out from underneath

Now the last thing I wanted was to get into a fight
In Jackson Mississippi on a Saturday night
'Specially when there was three of them and only one of me

Well they all started laughin' and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I'd better think of somethin' pretty quick
So I jes' reached out an' kicked ol' green-teeth right in the knee

He let out a yell that'd curl your hair
But before he could move I grabbed me a chair
And said watch him folks 'cause he's a thouroughly dangerous man

Well you may not know it but this man's a spy
He's an undercover agent for the FBI
And he's been sent down here to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan

He was still bent over holdin' on to his knee
But everyone else was lookin' and listenin' to me
And I layed it on thicker and heavier as I went

I said would you beleive this man has gone as far
As tearin' Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars
And he voted for George McGoveren for president

Well he's a friend of them long-haired hippie type pinko figs
I betcha he's even got a Commie flag
Tacked up on the wall inside of his garage

He's a snake in the grass I tell ya guys
He may look dumb but that's jus a disguise
He's a mastermind in the ways of espionage

They all started lookin' real suspicious at him
And he jumped up an' said jes' wait a minute Jim
You know he's lyin' I've been livin' here all of my life

I'm a faithfull follower of Brother John Burch
And I belong to the Antioch Baptist Church
And I ain't even got a garage you can call home and ask my wife

Then he started sayin' somethin' 'bout the way I was dressed
But I didn't wait around to hear the rest
I was too busy movin' and hopin' I didn't run outta luck

And when I hit the ground I was makin' tracks
And they were jes' takin' my car down off the jacks
So I threw the man a twenty an' jumped in an' fired that mother up

Mario Andretti woulda sure been proud
Of the way I was movin' when I passed that crowd
Comin' out the door and headin' toward me in a trot

An' I guess I shoulda gone ahead an' run
But somehow I couldn't resist the fun
Of chasin' them jes' once around the parkin' lot

Well they're headin' for their car but I hit the gas
And spun around and headed them off at the pass
Well I was slingin' gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air

Well I had them all out there steppin' an' a fetchin'
Like their heads were on fire and their asses was catchin'
But I figured I oughta go ahead an split before the cops got there

When I hit the road I was really wheelin'
Had gravel flyin' and rubber squeelin'
An' I didn't slow down 'til I was almost to Arkansas

I think I'm gonna re-route my trip
I wonder if anybody'd think I'd flipped
If I went to LA via Omaha!

"Rednecks" by Randy Newman. Can't post most of it for obvious reasons but the song points out that northern states (and northerners who look down on the south) are no better than the segregationist south because crooked housing practices there created de facto segregation. But first he admits the south has its problems. Basically it's a we're all guilty so who the hell are you laughing at song.

We got no necked oil men from Texas
Good ol' boys from Tennessee
College men at lsu!
Went in dumb, come out dumb too

Edit to add: written in the early 1970s

And if California slides into the ocean.
Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
I believe this hotel will be standing,
Until I pay my bill.

Warren Zevon "Desperados Under The Eaves" (Opening line in the signature below.)

Droppin' Names by Dirt Nasty


I did cocaine with David Blaine
He made my blow disappear, mayne
We pulled the train off Ms. Love Hewitt
She knows what I did last summer, stupid
Oh please, Tara Reid
Took her to eat and she was scared of the beef
So I had to frick Jessica Simpson
In the kitchen, while she was fixing some chicken
And her little sister Ashley
Was waiting in the pantry,
Spreading the asscheeks
Yelling, "Dirt Nasty! "
Tellin her sis, Hurry up with the Teriyaki
Then I did Demi in the pooper
With a semi, she thought I was Kutcher (man)
Dude I heard a rumor. (What's that?)
Alyssa Milano is good for a nooner
And I ain't mad, At Jennifer Aniston
took it in the arse at the Hotel Radisson
Her Dad thought it was the Pitt's
'Cause when he walked in,
I was pinchin' her tits
Now picture this,
I got a photo, of Fred Durst's dick
It's about an inch
For real, I stole it from his bitch
Some think that I'm phony, homie
I play with my penis like Adrien Brody.
frick you, sue me
I'll be sniffin' ruffies with George Clooney

L.A. is like Groundhog Day
Same old sh*t never fricking rains
Droppin' Names
What a shame
Never thought I'd Turn out this way

I bursted the cun+
Drew first blood on Kirsten Dunst.
And what about the Olsens?
At the Golden Globes,
Holdin' my scrotum
Where the frick Hillary Duff?
I'm a make her smoke dust and choke nuts
No I'm not kiddin'
I'll Moulin Douche Nicole Kidman
Head spinnin' from the Vodka
Courtney Cox sucked my cock in a Mazda.
Near Jamba Juice
In the parking lot, bombin' on Tom Cruise
His dick's like a needle
Mine's Titanic, ask Leo
Or Vin Diesel
We were shootin' speed in his agent's Regal
I'm harming my rectum (HMM)
Pardon my French, Carmen Electra
And Haley Joel Osment
Is gonna be doin' coke before his balls be droppin.
My nards aren't clean,
I've been partying with Charlie Sheen.
Hey Angelina Jolie
Why don't you put them lips on my Roman Cannoli
Like Monica Bellucci
I heard the coochie, smells like Bleu Cheese.
I'm horny for beaver.
Gimme a call, Sigourney Weaver.