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Transformers: Rise of the Beasts — I saw this POS tonight so you won’t have to
Posted on 6/9/23 at 1:07 am
Posted on 6/9/23 at 1:07 am
I don’t know why, but I was excited about seeing a Transformers movie at the theater. I’m a weird dude. I figured it’d be mindless entertainment like a Transformers movie should be, and I like going to the movies. So here’s my review of Rise of the Beasts (“ROB”).
Sweet baby Jesus, this motherfricker was not even entertaining. I’m struggling to think of a worse movie I’ve seen in the theater in recent memory. It’s by far the worst Transformers movie. I’d rather watch Crystal Skull.
1) Visuals. Michael Bay had his issues, but at least we could count on a visual spectacle. The graphics in ROB are uninspiring but serviceable—with one exception: Unicron looked great, in the short time we saw him.
Otherwise, I guess the robots look about the same as in the earlier movies 10-15 years ago. Except the fight scenes were bland and boring. No dramatic action shots, no cool fight moves, nothing memorable whatsoever. The final battle was yet another “good guys versus a massive horde” fight that’s been done often and better recently.
2) Casting/acting. Michael Bay also delivered hot women to please the eye, alongside talented actors. Not here, buddy.
The Hispanic male protagonist is a trashy unkempt loser (but with a heart of gold!) who needs a shave and a shower. We spend an inordinate amount of time watching him try to get a job, hanging out with his sickly brother (who might die from sickle cell anemia bc they can’t afford treatment), and then trying to steal a car. He’s not charismatic or funny.
The black female protagonist is like a 25 year old genius know-it-all artifacts expert. With a glance, she can instantly authenticate and appraise any artifact. She’s not remotely attractive, nor does she have charisma, charm, or humor.
The acting was a chore to watch. And personal preference, I can’t stand that heavy trashy sounding Brooklyn or whatever accent. It grates, bad. Every human looked in need of a shower.
Edgy line from the movie: “make sure to laugh at all their jokes—white people love that shite.” That’s as close as we get to humor.
3) Plot.
It’s a Transformers movie. The robots are fighting over another never-before-mentioned thingamajig. What else. After the opening scene, we are treated to about 30 minutes of dumb humans. At some points the movie feels like a bland Indiana Jones ripoff.
The autobots were alright. Optimus and Bumblebee are there as their usual selves. Mirage is the good-natured plot-driving one. And there are a couple other autobots who…were there.
The “beasts” were wholly forgettable. Simply animal-shaped robots, for some reason. They didn’t transform and had zero personality. I think they had names. They don’t combine to form a giant robot or do anything exciting. The gorilla has the same dull personality as Optimus.
The movie went heavy on the NYC urban vibe. If you like early 90s hip hop, you’ll like the music.
ETA: I’ve been told the beasts do transform. I have no memory of them transforming, but apparently they did. That’s how forgettable they were. They were lame and not at all like the Predacons of old.
Sweet baby Jesus, this motherfricker was not even entertaining. I’m struggling to think of a worse movie I’ve seen in the theater in recent memory. It’s by far the worst Transformers movie. I’d rather watch Crystal Skull.
1) Visuals. Michael Bay had his issues, but at least we could count on a visual spectacle. The graphics in ROB are uninspiring but serviceable—with one exception: Unicron looked great, in the short time we saw him.
Otherwise, I guess the robots look about the same as in the earlier movies 10-15 years ago. Except the fight scenes were bland and boring. No dramatic action shots, no cool fight moves, nothing memorable whatsoever. The final battle was yet another “good guys versus a massive horde” fight that’s been done often and better recently.
2) Casting/acting. Michael Bay also delivered hot women to please the eye, alongside talented actors. Not here, buddy.
The Hispanic male protagonist is a trashy unkempt loser (but with a heart of gold!) who needs a shave and a shower. We spend an inordinate amount of time watching him try to get a job, hanging out with his sickly brother (who might die from sickle cell anemia bc they can’t afford treatment), and then trying to steal a car. He’s not charismatic or funny.
The black female protagonist is like a 25 year old genius know-it-all artifacts expert. With a glance, she can instantly authenticate and appraise any artifact. She’s not remotely attractive, nor does she have charisma, charm, or humor.
The acting was a chore to watch. And personal preference, I can’t stand that heavy trashy sounding Brooklyn or whatever accent. It grates, bad. Every human looked in need of a shower.
Edgy line from the movie: “make sure to laugh at all their jokes—white people love that shite.” That’s as close as we get to humor.
3) Plot.
It’s a Transformers movie. The robots are fighting over another never-before-mentioned thingamajig. What else. After the opening scene, we are treated to about 30 minutes of dumb humans. At some points the movie feels like a bland Indiana Jones ripoff.
The autobots were alright. Optimus and Bumblebee are there as their usual selves. Mirage is the good-natured plot-driving one. And there are a couple other autobots who…were there.
The “beasts” were wholly forgettable. Simply animal-shaped robots, for some reason. They didn’t transform and had zero personality. I think they had names. They don’t combine to form a giant robot or do anything exciting. The gorilla has the same dull personality as Optimus.
The movie went heavy on the NYC urban vibe. If you like early 90s hip hop, you’ll like the music.
ETA: I’ve been told the beasts do transform. I have no memory of them transforming, but apparently they did. That’s how forgettable they were. They were lame and not at all like the Predacons of old.
This post was edited on 6/11/23 at 8:26 am
Posted on 6/9/23 at 1:14 am to biglego
Nice review. I was mildly curious about this, so you just squashed that for me. It sounds about what I expected it to be. I’ll take a hard pass.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 1:33 am to biglego
quote:
Edgy line from the movie: “make sure to laugh at all their jokes—white people love that shite.”
Transformer or human? Please tell me it was a human and not a robot.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 1:40 am to gizmothepug
Haha that was the wise advice given to the protagonist by his mom as he was heading out for an interview.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 5:50 am to biglego
quote:
Sweet baby Jesus, this motherfricker was not even entertaining.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 6:06 am to biglego
I was never in the Transformers demo. I like sci-fi and FX stuff, but even so, the whole premise and lore of it all... just was lost on me. I did sorta like Bumblebee, thought it was well made. But I long ago just accepted this wasn't for me.
They seem to keep making the same basic movie over and over. Machines that can change into anything and fire unlimited rounds of whatever caliber of weapon they seem to want. The physics of it all, even for sci-fi, just never made sense.
They seem to keep making the same basic movie over and over. Machines that can change into anything and fire unlimited rounds of whatever caliber of weapon they seem to want. The physics of it all, even for sci-fi, just never made sense.
This post was edited on 6/9/23 at 6:08 am
Posted on 6/9/23 at 7:20 am to SouthEasternKaiju
Whenever a new Transformers movie is out, they should re-release the original so we can all go see a good Transformers movie. I don't understand how they've missed the mark on this time after time.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 7:47 am to concrete_tiger
Yeah but the trailers have told me it’s just as good as the first one
Posted on 6/9/23 at 7:53 am to biglego
quote:
The Hispanic male protagonist is a trashy unkempt loser (but with a heart of gold!) who needs a shave and a shower. We spend an inordinate amount of time watching him try to get a job, hanging out with his sickly brother (who might die from sickle cell anemia bc they can’t afford treatment),
Wait... hispanics have sickle cell?
Posted on 6/9/23 at 8:01 am to rmc
quote:
Wait... hispanics have sickle cell?
If you identify properly.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 8:40 am to biglego
quote:
If you like early 90s hip hop, you’ll like the music.
So, skip the movie and download the soundtrack. Thanks!
Posted on 6/9/23 at 8:41 am to biglego
Guy at work just asked me if I planned to see the new TF movie and I was like nah, not really...I liked the first couple, but that's about it and then checked out once shitty Mark Wahlberg joined the fray.
Then I saw this thread. And now I'm glad I wasn't planning on seeing it.
This is the most egregious thing to me:
How could they not transform into something? That's sort of the entire point of......Transformers.
Then I saw this thread. And now I'm glad I wasn't planning on seeing it.
This is the most egregious thing to me:
quote:
The “beasts” were wholly forgettable. Simply animal-shaped robots, for some reason. They didn’t transform
How could they not transform into something? That's sort of the entire point of......Transformers.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 8:42 am to biglego
Sounds like National Treasure TV Show cast. A smart genius woman (at least she was nice to look at) and her dad was an unkept plain Mexican guy who needed to shave and although you thought he was bad, he was really a genuine person.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 8:45 am to CocomoLSU
The original transformer concept was that they would disguise as vehicles to blend in (deceptively).
Is it explained why they now are giant jungle animals? They certainly aren’t fooling anyone.
Is it explained why they now are giant jungle animals? They certainly aren’t fooling anyone.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 9:21 am to CocomoLSU
quote:
How could they not transform into something? That's sort of the entire point of......Transformers.
Exactly. I had assumed we were getting Predacons, who were ferocious and combined to form a giant robot.
These are literally just robot animals. A gorilla, Eagle, leopard, rhino. Maybe another. Only the Eagle and gorilla talked.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 9:24 am to sBrodie
quote:
The original transformer concept was that they would disguise as vehicles to blend in (deceptively). Is it explained why they now are giant jungle animals? They certainly aren’t fooling anyone.
Nope. In fact, they were always earthly animals….even thousands of years ago…on a distant planet.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 10:05 am to biglego
quote:
Edgy line from the movie: “make sure to laugh at all their jokes—white people love that shite.”
Such brave writing! Racism is so cool.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 11:20 am to concrete_tiger
Same reason they didn’t re-release LotR on the 20th anniversary . Would have made massive bank. But then folks would side by side it with Amazons garbage take.
Posted on 6/9/23 at 11:50 am to biglego
So they took a shitty franchise and turned it into a “diverse”, shitty franchise?
This post was edited on 6/9/23 at 11:52 am
Posted on 6/9/23 at 12:31 pm to biglego
quote:
1) Visuals
i dont know bout you guys but these movies during the action just look like a swirl of cgi barf. half time its hard to tell wtf is going on.
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