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My New Moon Review (spoilers)(completed)
Posted on 12/5/09 at 10:21 am
Posted on 12/5/09 at 10:21 am
So the wife got me to accompany her to this movie. I went in with low expectations, based on the first movie and the trailers. What I saw changed my opinion of Tween Baiting romance movies forever.
What I saw in that theater was the most homoerotically suggestive movie I have ever been forced to sit through. This should have been a TV Series for Bravo. Replace "Bella" with "Bill", and nobody would likely notice. I have admittedly never read the books (and am happy to announce that I never will), so maybe the characters are less ghey in the books. I'll break down the characters, and why they suck:
Jasper: Reminds me of the gay artist from Wedding Crashers. He has the same expressions and always seems to avoid eye contact.
Alice: Cute, Perky, Annoying.
Rosalie: Pretty, Bitchy, only has one line.
Emmet: Stereotype Jock. Dumb as a rock. Reminds me of Moose from Archie Comics.
Wolfpack: Group of guys that always run off into the woods laughing wearing short jorts and no shirts. Hmmmmmmm. My wife tells me that they wear no shirts because they have high body temperature, but were that true, wouldn't they be freezing all the time. When people have a fever, they are usually shivering, not stripping their clothes off.
Volturi group: Appears they found three pretty gay looking guys, then got the "Queer Eye" guys to come gay them up even more. Dakota Fanning was the only moderately interesting vampire in the flick, so they only gave her 2 lines.
Edward: Dude gives vampires a bad name. Vampires should be awesome. A vampire doesn't like you? You're dead. You move in on a vamp's chick? Dead. You could punch Edward's mother/father/girlfriend in the face, and he'd either a) cry about it, b) write a terrible poem about it, or (more likely) c) both. If Edward tried to hang out with Emo kids, they'd kick the shite out of him for being too pussified for them.
Jacob: See Edward, and replace Vampire with Werewolf. How does this kid cope with losing the girl? Goes to the woods with his naked "wolfpack".
Bella: Has there ever been a LESS likable protagonist in any movie. . .EVER? She uses everyone around her. She only "allows" her human friends to hang with her when she deems them worthy of her company. She strings Jacob along for her own entertainment. She treats her Dad like her indentured servant. She keeps getting people around her killed, or nearly killed for her own amusement. frick Bella. My wife tells me she is much different in the book. But if you can't sympathize with the main protagonist, what hope does the movie have? When she offered herself instead Edward, I was hoping the drag queen would accept. . .would have saved the story for me.
What I saw in that theater was the most homoerotically suggestive movie I have ever been forced to sit through. This should have been a TV Series for Bravo. Replace "Bella" with "Bill", and nobody would likely notice. I have admittedly never read the books (and am happy to announce that I never will), so maybe the characters are less ghey in the books. I'll break down the characters, and why they suck:
Jasper: Reminds me of the gay artist from Wedding Crashers. He has the same expressions and always seems to avoid eye contact.
Alice: Cute, Perky, Annoying.
Rosalie: Pretty, Bitchy, only has one line.
Emmet: Stereotype Jock. Dumb as a rock. Reminds me of Moose from Archie Comics.
Wolfpack: Group of guys that always run off into the woods laughing wearing short jorts and no shirts. Hmmmmmmm. My wife tells me that they wear no shirts because they have high body temperature, but were that true, wouldn't they be freezing all the time. When people have a fever, they are usually shivering, not stripping their clothes off.
Volturi group: Appears they found three pretty gay looking guys, then got the "Queer Eye" guys to come gay them up even more. Dakota Fanning was the only moderately interesting vampire in the flick, so they only gave her 2 lines.
Edward: Dude gives vampires a bad name. Vampires should be awesome. A vampire doesn't like you? You're dead. You move in on a vamp's chick? Dead. You could punch Edward's mother/father/girlfriend in the face, and he'd either a) cry about it, b) write a terrible poem about it, or (more likely) c) both. If Edward tried to hang out with Emo kids, they'd kick the shite out of him for being too pussified for them.
Jacob: See Edward, and replace Vampire with Werewolf. How does this kid cope with losing the girl? Goes to the woods with his naked "wolfpack".
Bella: Has there ever been a LESS likable protagonist in any movie. . .EVER? She uses everyone around her. She only "allows" her human friends to hang with her when she deems them worthy of her company. She strings Jacob along for her own entertainment. She treats her Dad like her indentured servant. She keeps getting people around her killed, or nearly killed for her own amusement. frick Bella. My wife tells me she is much different in the book. But if you can't sympathize with the main protagonist, what hope does the movie have? When she offered herself instead Edward, I was hoping the drag queen would accept. . .would have saved the story for me.
This post was edited on 12/5/09 at 8:01 pm
6
Posted on 12/5/09 at 10:27 am to Roaad
quote:fwiw i think it's "the hulk" syndrome. they wear as little cloths as possible because they transform so much.
Wolfpack: Group of guys that always run off into the woods laughing wearing short jorts and no shirts. Hmmmmmmm. My wife tells me that they wear no shirts because they have high body temperature, but were that true, wouldn't they be freezing all the time. When people have a fever, they are usually shivering, not stripping their clothes off.
This post was edited on 12/5/09 at 10:28 am
Posted on 12/5/09 at 12:25 pm to Roaad
I haven't seen it, but I've read the books. I doubt I would classify it as homo erotic. Because it is marketed as a chick flick all the way. I would say 300 is much more of a homo erotic movie.
Posted on 12/5/09 at 12:52 pm to alajones
I saw it with the gf, nothing special, but something REALLY pissed me off while I was there:
Rude arse people in the theater. Constant laughing at scenes that were NOT supposed to be funny. One black dude had to make loud comments like "Aw man he gay!" And 3 people left early and had to make loud rude comments. I swear I almost blew a gasket!
Rude arse people in the theater. Constant laughing at scenes that were NOT supposed to be funny. One black dude had to make loud comments like "Aw man he gay!" And 3 people left early and had to make loud rude comments. I swear I almost blew a gasket!
Posted on 12/5/09 at 3:28 pm to indytiger
I didn't make any comments, but this was the first movie I had seen in the theater that I couldn't hold back laughter at unintentional comedy at a couple of points. 
Posted on 12/5/09 at 7:43 pm to Volvagia
I lol'd while the waves were crashing into Bella.
Posted on 12/5/09 at 7:57 pm to Roaad
quote:
So the wife got me to accompany her to this movie
divorce
/thread
Posted on 12/5/09 at 7:59 pm to indytiger
quote:They may have been rude, but they were right.
Rude arse people in the theater. Constant laughing at scenes that were NOT supposed to be funny. One black dude had to make loud comments like "Aw man he gay!" And 3 people left early and had to make loud rude comments. I swear I almost blew a gasket!
Posted on 12/6/09 at 12:08 am to Roaad
quote:No, she isn't. I've read the books and I really do hate her. Jacob and Charlie are about the only really likable characters who have any kind of significant role.
My wife tells me she is much different in the book.
I saw the movie tonight. The Volturi's were pretty gayed up. I thought the movie was alright though. It was much less of a traditional teenage movie than Twilight.
This post was edited on 12/6/09 at 9:19 pm
Posted on 12/6/09 at 10:05 am to alajones
quote:
alajones
arent you a dude?
Posted on 12/6/09 at 11:02 am to Fat Andy
Yes.
Have you read the books?
Have you read the books?
Posted on 12/6/09 at 5:54 pm to alajones
quote:
Have you read the books?
I sure the hell haven't. I"m a straight male
Posted on 12/6/09 at 9:17 pm to Fat Andy
Interesting that you haven't read any of the books yet you feel fully qualified to pass judgement on those who have. I think that would qualify you for the biggest douche in the universe award.
Posted on 12/6/09 at 9:56 pm to alajones
If being a douche means I dont have to watch a single second or come anywhere near a Twilight book, then I gladly accept the award 
Posted on 12/6/09 at 10:49 pm to Fat Andy
quote:
If being a douche means I dont have to watch a single second or come anywhere near a Twilight book, then I gladly accept the award
Posted on 12/6/09 at 10:59 pm to indytiger
quote:
One black dude had to make loud comments like "Aw man he gay!"
I'm praying there are some of these when I have to go with my wife
Posted on 12/7/09 at 10:40 am to Roaad
Perhaps someone else has addressed some of your concerns, point by point... but I'll take a go at it.
The thing about the books is that Twilight is 499 pages, New Moon is over 500 pages Eclipse (coming out in film on June 30, 2010) is over 600 and Breaking Dawn is a whopping 762 pages long... try fitting even half the book into a two hour movie.
Jasper was a confederate solider when he was turned and spent a significant amount of time as a young vampire at war with other vampires. He is still adjusting to life as a "vegetarian." This gets explained at length in BD, I believe.
Alice: Even Edward finds Alice to be obnoxious half the time, despite her being his favorite sister. Its Alice's personality to be over-the-top and to be in people's business...
Rosalie: Rosalie's backstory explains why she's such a bitch. She was turned in the 1930's I believe after she was brutally assaulted by her fiancee and his friends. I believe she was also raped. All she wanted in her human life was to be a wife and a mother... what upsets her about Bella is that Bella is throwing everything Rosalie always wanted, away for a life that Rosalie finds difficult to bear.
Emmet: Emmett we know the least about. He is very fond of Bella in the books and adores her like a little sister. I think he balances the more-intense Cullen's out nicely with his humor.
Wolfpack: The reason the wolf pack only wears shorts is because when they morph into wolves, their clothes get torn. Imagine how expensive that is. Also, its explained in the books that its difficult enough to tie a pair of shorts around your ankle to carry with you when you transform, its even more difficult to carry an entire outfit with you...
Volturi group: The Volturi makes another appearnce in the last book, Breaking Dawn and while Jane (Dakota Fanning) doesn't have a speaking role, she is featured prominently at the end. The Volturi are supposed to look pretty strange as is described in the books...
Edward: Edward's character was based off the following characters: Gilbert Blythe, Fitzwilliam Darcy, and Edward Rochester. He is supposed to be written as the "perfect" guy.
Jacob: There is a very interesting and surprising revelation about Jacob in BD. I don't really like him, either, FWIW.
Bella: Meyer has caught a LOT of flack for Bella's character as she is painted as too unlikable. And while, yeah, she kind of is... I was a teenage girl once and I can relate to certain aspects of her personality. In the books, starting with New Moon, Bella and Edward and Jasper and Alice are HS Seniors and they sit with Bella's human friends during lunch. Also, Bella does ALL the cooking at home and most of the cleaning since Charlie, her dad, works all the time. Bella and Charlie are both emotionally guarded and they have a hard time expressing themselves to one another... but their RL grows. Bella often times does all his laundry AND makes fresh meals for her father-- he is far from an indentured servant. Bella also has a habit of caring for everyone else around her and trying to accomodate them without knowing how... she is just an akward teenager as any teenager would be.
Bella's bonding with Jacob goes much deeper than you're assuming. And she is not getting people killed for her own amusement... almost every attack against her and her friends is the direct result of ONE incident... the Cullen's killing James in Twilight. Victoria is not letting that go.
The thing about the books is that Twilight is 499 pages, New Moon is over 500 pages Eclipse (coming out in film on June 30, 2010) is over 600 and Breaking Dawn is a whopping 762 pages long... try fitting even half the book into a two hour movie.
Jasper was a confederate solider when he was turned and spent a significant amount of time as a young vampire at war with other vampires. He is still adjusting to life as a "vegetarian." This gets explained at length in BD, I believe.
Alice: Even Edward finds Alice to be obnoxious half the time, despite her being his favorite sister. Its Alice's personality to be over-the-top and to be in people's business...
Rosalie: Rosalie's backstory explains why she's such a bitch. She was turned in the 1930's I believe after she was brutally assaulted by her fiancee and his friends. I believe she was also raped. All she wanted in her human life was to be a wife and a mother... what upsets her about Bella is that Bella is throwing everything Rosalie always wanted, away for a life that Rosalie finds difficult to bear.
Emmet: Emmett we know the least about. He is very fond of Bella in the books and adores her like a little sister. I think he balances the more-intense Cullen's out nicely with his humor.
Wolfpack: The reason the wolf pack only wears shorts is because when they morph into wolves, their clothes get torn. Imagine how expensive that is. Also, its explained in the books that its difficult enough to tie a pair of shorts around your ankle to carry with you when you transform, its even more difficult to carry an entire outfit with you...
Volturi group: The Volturi makes another appearnce in the last book, Breaking Dawn and while Jane (Dakota Fanning) doesn't have a speaking role, she is featured prominently at the end. The Volturi are supposed to look pretty strange as is described in the books...
Edward: Edward's character was based off the following characters: Gilbert Blythe, Fitzwilliam Darcy, and Edward Rochester. He is supposed to be written as the "perfect" guy.
Jacob: There is a very interesting and surprising revelation about Jacob in BD. I don't really like him, either, FWIW.
Bella: Meyer has caught a LOT of flack for Bella's character as she is painted as too unlikable. And while, yeah, she kind of is... I was a teenage girl once and I can relate to certain aspects of her personality. In the books, starting with New Moon, Bella and Edward and Jasper and Alice are HS Seniors and they sit with Bella's human friends during lunch. Also, Bella does ALL the cooking at home and most of the cleaning since Charlie, her dad, works all the time. Bella and Charlie are both emotionally guarded and they have a hard time expressing themselves to one another... but their RL grows. Bella often times does all his laundry AND makes fresh meals for her father-- he is far from an indentured servant. Bella also has a habit of caring for everyone else around her and trying to accomodate them without knowing how... she is just an akward teenager as any teenager would be.
Bella's bonding with Jacob goes much deeper than you're assuming. And she is not getting people killed for her own amusement... almost every attack against her and her friends is the direct result of ONE incident... the Cullen's killing James in Twilight. Victoria is not letting that go.
Posted on 12/7/09 at 11:29 am to Bodhi
I think you're synopsis is right on. I am glad Steph is getting so much flack about Bella. Which is really the only part I disagree with you about. I find her to be perhaps the worst main female protaganist ever. Granted, I haven't read every book ever made, so I am sure there are worse.
Bella- utterly useless. She has to rely on other people to save her arse over and over and over. As a father of a teenage daughter I would like her to have some sort of independence and not feel the need to be dependent on some dumbass male all the time. Bella is a train wreck. She is completely emotionally dependent on Edward (which isn't love BTW, it is obsession), Jacob is the healthy love alternative to Edward.
Frankly, I think this is a horrible story for young girls. It is really easy to be so in love and obsessed with someone when you will be young and beautiful and rich and have no problems for eternity, but shite ain't like that. Hell, even Steph constantly compares them to Romeo and Juliet, not exactly a healthy couple either.
Bella- utterly useless. She has to rely on other people to save her arse over and over and over. As a father of a teenage daughter I would like her to have some sort of independence and not feel the need to be dependent on some dumbass male all the time. Bella is a train wreck. She is completely emotionally dependent on Edward (which isn't love BTW, it is obsession), Jacob is the healthy love alternative to Edward.
Frankly, I think this is a horrible story for young girls. It is really easy to be so in love and obsessed with someone when you will be young and beautiful and rich and have no problems for eternity, but shite ain't like that. Hell, even Steph constantly compares them to Romeo and Juliet, not exactly a healthy couple either.
This post was edited on 12/7/09 at 11:30 am
Posted on 12/7/09 at 11:44 am to Acreboy
quote:
fwiw i think it's "the hulk" syndrome. they wear as little cloths as possible because they transform so much.
I'm not positive b/c I rarely listen to her, but I think my gf told me they tie there shorts to their leg in the book b/c the transform back naked and they can just put them on.
Posted on 12/7/09 at 12:39 pm to Bodhi
quote:
Bella often times does all his laundry AND makes fresh meals for her father-- he is far from an indentured servant
None of this is reflected in the movie, fwiw. You always see Charlie doing the work and chores around the house, while Bella mopes.
Charlie works his nuts off, only to be rewarded by a daughter that respects him enough to lie to him about everything, disobeys him unashamedly, gets him and everyone else around her in mortal danger.
Twilight might be better if Bella was generally a good person. She isn't. Daniel Plainview is more sympathetic.
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