Marrying woman with poor financial history

How is your financial IQ?

You might want to consider a pre-nup.

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Do I assume any responsibility for debts she's accrued so far?

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This is very scary.

I wouldn't assume responsibility for it. She needs to prove she is trying to remedy that situation. Only then will I help to alleviate the problem.

I'm not a big fan of prenups, but this is a case where you need to think very carefully about protecting yourself. You've excused her poor financial decisionmaking by saying that she's self employed in a field that pays inconsistently--lots of people, male and female, manage to not get underwater despite a variable income. So she continues to spend money she doesn't have: did the divorce leave her with equity in a house, or were there no assets at all in the community property?

You two need to have a serious and frank discussion about these things. Bill collectors calling means she's not addressing her problems in an adult fashion--she's simply hiding from them. Does she own jewelry, nice car, real estate, etc that could be liquidated to pay her debts? What, exactly, are these debts? (apologies if the debt is not consumer or elective and instead is from a medical condition or similar tragedy like burying five indigent relatives or caring for a parent or disabled relation)

Is she expecting you to sort out all of these financial things?

I would be very, very concerned about her ability to function effectively as a sales professional if she has been so haphazard at managing her own affairs. If you can't say to her plainly, "I'm worried about building a life together based on your financial circumstances. I don't like to be in debt, and I don't want to worry about money. How will we sort out your issues, and how will we keep from finding ourselves in the same situation a few years down the road?" If she's not willing to own her problem: compulsive spending, or inability to budget, or general laziness (failure to get a part time job w/regular pay to supplement her irregular sales income), you need to talk about it clearly & candidly.

Also, this is the time to articulate your beliefs/values about income & earning. While I was raised in a dual-earner, very egalitarian household where both spouses contributed to the household maintenance, I know MANY people my age and younger who grew up in old-fashioned modes where "daddy" paid the bills and "mommy's" money was for "play". You need to hash out this stuff BEFORE you remotely think about marriage. Don't assume anything....ask about how her parents managed their money, about the financial circumstances of her upbringing, about the financial issues that arose in her first marriage. If she can't/won't share these things, then she's not truly a close friend or a serious marriage prospect, IMHO.

Good luck; she may be ready to turn a corner in her financial life. But I'd be looking for some clear signs of financial maturation before I jumped in with both feet....

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Just a tad bit of background; I'm considering proposing marriage to a woman who's been a close friend for a few years. We've dated off and on.

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Congrats on the (probable)engagement.

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She has poor credit and many bill collectors trying to contact her.

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Poor credit is something that can take time to rectify. It's possible she made some dumb decisions a while ago and is now on the right track. Bill collectors being involved makes it seem like she may NOT be on the right track.

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Overall, I think she's a good woman but she's in a self employed sales field where money is inconsistent.

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I don't really think that's an acceptable reason not to be fiscally responsible.

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Her financial downfall was a divorce about 3 years ago.

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Need more details here. Was her ex-husband a high income earner who got her used to a lifestyle she had trouble giving up?

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Do I assume any responsibility for debts she's accrued so far?

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I don't think so, but I'm not a lawyer. You're kidding yourself if you don't think a large amount of debt for your wife won't affect your marriage, whether you're legally responsible or not.

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a woman who's been a close friend for a few years. We've dated off and on.

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a divorce about 3 years ago

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In addition to:

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She has poor credit and many bill collectors trying to contact her

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and

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I'm considering proposing marriage

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Means you should be waiting. It doesn't sound like you're sold on the idea of the proposal. What's the pressure?

I married into a similar situation a couple of years ago. She had about $70k in combined credit card and student loan debt plus the mortgage on her house, which was probably an ill-advised decision given her financial position, and some medical bills. Her job (social worker) didn't pay a lot and even though she was doing the right things (working multiple shifts, getting a roommate, cutting back on discretionary expenses), she wasn't able to make a whole lot of headway. It was daunting for me to think about trying to work through all that and definitely gave me pause about whether or not marriage was a good idea. Once we did get married, we spent the first year putting every extra nickel against the credit cards and are now working down the student loans.

The thing that ultimately eased my mind was that I felt that she sincerely understood that it was her poor decision making that caused it and was actively trying to seek help to dig herself out of it before we were married not just making excuses or ignoring it altogether. I think that's what you need to evaluate. If there's a willingness to listen and accept advice/constructive criticism from knowledgeable people, then I think you can work through it. If that's not the case, I would be very wary about whether or not you want to tie yourself to her financially as well as otherwise.

Some states let a creditor come after the community property (property/income gained by either spouse after the marriage) even for pre-marriage debts of a spouse.

Some states let you opt out of that system, and it is often much cheaper and simpler to do it BEFORE you get married.

You should consider consulting a family law attorney in your state before you step into this mess. It may cost a little, but not doing so could cost a lot more down the road.

Run