For the ignorant white trash rednecks, TL:DR.
Now that this is out of the way:
I firmly believe (wrongly, of course) that I finally have a grasp on what Miles needs to do in order to satify those who are not happy with him as OUR coach. Yes, Miles isn't perfect, but who is? Oh yes, that's right, according to many here, Saban is! Good, that gives us something to work with. So, in order for Miles to be more like Saban, and become the "perfect" head coach, I am compiling a list of things he needs to do.
Any and all help will be appreciated. Since a lot of Saban penis envy is directed toward the day he became the coach at Bama in 2007, I've decided to break it down by year and compare overall seasons and head to head combats during those seasons. You have to keep in mind that for Miles to be like Saban, we have to forget a lot of the frick ups Saban had at LSU.
You all have no idea how exited I am to piss off many of you here. I love the fact that so many of you are miserable. I hope I can enrage a few of you. 2007
: Saban takes over the Bama program, and promptly loses to ULM. Saban also loses to Miles. I give Saban a pass here bc he had a competitive game with Miles despite it being his first year, and one of Miles' best teams. You will see this "very close game" theme play out a lot, just a warning.
So, for Miles to be perfect like Saban, he needs to lose a game to terrible team....and soon. Saban also lost to UAB while at LSU. Miles has yet to do this. So, let's make this his #1 priority today. It will be listed below. 2008
: Saban wins the SEC, but can't win the BCS bowl game against....UTAH. Not to mention Saban's SEC Championship team STRUGGLED to beat LSU this year as well. LSU, with a struggling freshman QB, took Bama to OT and lost by 3. Bama needed LSU's QB to throw FOUR picks to seal the game, including a pick 6.
ETA: My fault. I'm so blinded with Saban's awesomeness, I forgot he DID NOT WIN the SEC that year either, and made a BCS Bowl, but now he has a problem with UF doing it.
I'll make this a second priority on the list below: 2009
: Clearly Saban's greatest accomplishment as a coach in terms of a complete season. However, as an LSU fan, who can forget that idiot Les Miles had his team with a LEAD in the fourth quarter with the second string QB, RB and several defenders in the game. Bama takes the lead while LSU's best defender is sidelined with cramps. Despite the struggles, LSU is still in the game when the SEC steps in to assure a Bama victory. Point? This is the lone season LSU fans should envy, and Bama needed two close wins AT HOME to seal the deal on this season. Two close wins? OMFG. Miles haters would never stand for that. 2010
- Saban loses 3 games, Miles loses 2, AU buys a title. Saban loses to Miles as well, but this won't count with Miles haters. Saban, however, blows a 21 point lead to AU...AT HOME. Miles needs to do this. 2011
- Oh this is a fun one, and one Miles will NEVER be able to achieve. Why? Simple, LSU is a Tier 2 program in the eyes of the network that owns the sport. So, I'll keep it simple: See #5 on the list. 2012
: Work in conjunction with your pals in the SEC to work up a nice, weak schedule for you. Play only 2 ranked teams all year, and LOSE AT HOME again. Thanks to your weak conference schedule, you make the SECCG and now, due to other teams losing (see 2003, 2011 and 2012) you have a shot at another title. Wow, the man is brilliant. How does he do it? 2013
: See 2012 because I bet this happens again due to the third year in a row of having a very weak conference schedule.
I have others I'll add to the list later when I'm bored again. These will revolve around topics like recruiting, grey shirting, and Branding. You'll hate me even more and I can't wait!
Bash away, idiots! HOW LES MILES CAN BE PERFECT LIKE NICK SABAN:
1) Lose to a terrible team you shouldn't lose to.
2) Win the SEC while struggling to beat lower tier teams from the division, then lose to a Mountain West Team in the BCS bowl game.
3) Have a season like 2009 (I will move this to #1 soon, because it is relevant)....but with NO CLOSE GAMES!! Great coaches shouldn't struggle with terrible teams like Tenn and LSU were in 2009, especially at home (notice a theme here too?)
4) Blow a 3TD lead, AT HOME, to your biggest rival.
5) Play a historically weak schedule (in terms of BCS game participants), lose your biggest game at home, go on the four-letter network and BEG for a second chance, ride the coattails of your divisional rival into the game even though you couldn't win your own division/conference....Profit!
6) See #5, but this time, actually WIN the SEC, even though you lost again AT HOME, to a top team in your division. Whew, thank you SEC for having us avoid USC, UGA and UF during the season...AGAIN!
7) Anyone noticing a pattern of God-Like Saban teams struggling/LOSING annual home games, but yet coming out smelling like a rose? I would think some "luck" has to be involved there, right? Wait, only Miles is lucky. Losing at home is all part of Saban's plan because the man is a GENIUS!
8) Treat other members of your AD like shite.
9) Learn to put his immediate family last in his list of priorities.
10) Show the world how much of a hypocrite you can be by discussing the standards other teams should meet for playing in a BCS bowl, while your program was granted the same leeway not once but TWICE, including a free trip to the Championship game despite finishing THIRD in your conference.
This post was edited on 11/29 at 1:33 pm