Give me all of your stupid jokes

I ain't giving you shite and don't tell me what to do.

what do you call a thousand foot pile of cats?


A meowtain.

What’s the loneliest bayou in Louisiana?

Bayou Self

What do clouds wear beneath their pants?


THUNDERWEAR

I think the War on Terror would've gone a lot more smoothly if we had started at home with all those damned haunted houses.

You know why lesbians don’t have cable?

They hate cox

Two bananas were sitting by a creek. A turd comes floating down the creek and says, "Come on in the water's fine." One banana looks at the other and says, "Can you believe that piece of shite!"

What did the polite fig say to another patron in the bar?

“Would you like me to push your stool in”?

When is a door not a door?

When it’s ajar

A man is on a cruise ship and disaster strikes. The ship sinks and he manages to swim to an island nearby. He sets up shop awaiting rescue.

Before long he finds a woman. Not just any woman, it's (insert your favorite famous beauty queen here - Angelina Jolie will do here). For real. She barely made it but it looks like it's just the two of them for awhile.

The man immediately gets to work building shelter, hunting and fishing, doing whatever it takes to survive. At first she gives him the cold shoulder since he's a peon and she's a famous celebrity. But as the months go by and it's still just the two of them, one stormy night when they're both cowering in a cozy but sturdy shelter they fall for each other anyway.

Six months go by, and they've been doing the deed nearly every day.

Then the day finally comes. She notices something is wrong and asks him about it. He says "Well, it's nothing really."

"No, please tell me! It's really bothering me if something is a problem between us!" she says.

He pauses. "Okay. Fold up all your hair underneath this hat so I can't see any of it." She's puzzled, but complies.

"Now wear this shapeless cloth so I can't tell you're a woman." She's really puzzled now, but whatever.

"Now turn around and start walking down the beach away from me!"

Sobbing, she starts that lonely walk. Thinking about how she had wanted to introduce him to the world as the man who'd saved her, instead of just another Hollywood fake. And what went wrong???

Suddenly she hears footsteps pounding up behind her. He grabs her, whirls her around, and says "DUDE! You wouldn't BELIEVE who I've been schtupping the past six months!"