Time Travel Log #469: Spaulding's Future review of TMNT

Hello people of the past, date August 3, 2014. I have traveled into the future via a time machine I created from a toaster, a coat hanger, a four loko, and a Calico cat and viewed Michael Bay's re-take on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have returned from my journey and am here to bestow upon you my knowledge I gained from my space and time bending adventure. It will rain next friday, there will be traffic in Baton Rouge, and TMNT will suck.

I ventured into the movie theater after paying $25 on a ticket and another $25 on sour patch kids. Having been a child of the late 80's/early 90's, I was giddy about seeing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again on the big screen. I was skeptical of what Michael Bay would do with Leo, Raph, Donny, and Mike, having seen the colossal train wrecks that were the Transformers movies, but my hopes were high for this because it's hard to frick up TMNT.

Making my way into the dark theater, I located a spot high into the nosebleeds, tucked away from talking patrons and crying children. But much to my dismay, I was soon surrounded by a pack of Beiber wannabe tweens, that wouldn't shut up about some drama between Greyson and Bella (Typical Gen-X parents naming their kids something stupid). I munched loudly on my popcorn and asked kindly that my new guests would refrain from talking in the movie. They told me to frick off.

I made it in time for the previews, and was greeted with a trailer for Michael Bay's Transformers 9: Optimus Prime gets a Sex Change, a Melissa McCarthy movie where she plays an out of control bull-dyke lard arse, and some god awful Marvel movie about Admiral Freedom (a character Stan Lee created after a long weekend bout with dysentery). The lights finally dimmed and it was time for some Ninja Turtles.

What I would see next would move me so much, that it inspired me to return to the past to write this review. This movie was fricking terrible. It got the total Michael Bay fingerbang. Massive Explosions, No plot, Megan Fox being an emotionless idiot, No character development, zero fun factor, and really cheesy jokes that only dipshit millenials named Alabaster would laugh at. The turtles all looked like green gorillas, and the suit Shredder was wearing was more gay looking than the Joel Schumacher Batman's cod piece. There was no Bee Bop and Rock Steady, the Foot Soldiers looked like a bunch Palestinian troops, they took out their love of Pizza, Splinter looked like one of those stupid Kia Hamsters, and they took out the TMNT theme song and replaced it with a shitty Skrillex dubstep remix. Michael Bay once again has 69'd himself into an oh-so glorious orgasm in a never endless cycle of self aggrandizing auto-fellatio. People of the past, TMNT sucked. Heed my future warnings: Save your money and let Michael Bay choke on his own load