thenry's American Preview Part 1: Intro, Goalkeepers, Defenders

U S and A: Greatest Country in the World!



Home of the Whataburger Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich Sandwich, caring about the trifling lives of a bourgeoisie Armenian-American household, unwavering patriotism (only when your preferred political party is in office) and Drew Brees’ awe-inspiring, screenplay in the works, family manliness; the United States of America is the greatest country ever assembled (fact, not opinion). Ladies and gentlemen, as Americans it is our option, nay our duty, to support the men representing us this World Cup as they do battle against Euro-trash snobs with working social healthcare systems, impoverished Africans from countries we cannot locate on a map (nor do we care about locating on useless maps), and Asians, who despite predictions from so called “economists,” will never surpass our fiscal superiority and ingenuity. My fellow Americans, that was a run-on sentence, this is thenry712’s United States of America 2010 World Cup preview, and this is what we are fighting for



(as well as the right to end a sentence with a preposition).



Goalkeepers:



Perhaps the most talented player on our roster, Tim Howard perfects his craft on the blue half of Merseyside for Everton FC. Winner of the Golden Glove award for the best goalkeeper at the Confederations Cup, Timmy shut down a Spanish strike force featuring some no name freckled and soul patched losers. As John Harkes during a telecast or Jeremy Schaap during a minute long ESPN puff piece will tell you, Tim Howard also has Tourrette’s syndrome. While Wikipedia claims that his Tourrette’s does not cause him to curse violently, we will need Tim to violently verbally harangue Jonathan Bornstein for his defensive errors if we are to advance in Seth Effrica.

The first backup keeper for the fighting defenders of freedom, Marcus Hahnemann played a crucial role in Wolverhampton’s successful avoidance of relegation in the English Premier League. He is seen here in goal for Wolves and here singing for now defunct nu-metal rockers Disturbed.. If somehow Tim Howard goes down with an injury (God have mercy on our souls), I will not be down with the sickness (am I right?) if Bob decides to start Hahnemann. Although he’s played well in spot situations for the Nats during qualifying and against Egypt, I reckon Aston Villa backup Brad Guzan may have dropped to #3 on Todd McShay’s best American goalkeepers available list. I fear Tim Tebow and Josh McDaniels had something to do with this travesty.

Defenders:



Captain Carlos Bocanegra’s name literally means “black mouth” en español. Besides having a name similar to this commie's favorite club, ‘Los can also play well at either leftback or in a central defensive role. Soccer nerds currently cower in fear after hearing about Bocanegra’s recent hernia surgery. I haven’t feared a potential hernia this much since the doctor told me to turn my head and cough during my physical for 7th Grade golf.

Also disconcerting for all twelve US Soccer fans in America is the rustiness of defensive stalwart Oguchi Onyewu after tearing his patellar tendon against Costa Rica in October. From all reports Gooch should be fine after training with AC Milan and the full US roster for two months and should shake off some of that iron oxide in the three pre-World Cup friendlies against the Czech Republic, Turkey and Australia.

Our best cross this side of Stu Holden’s faux-hawk (more on that later) comes from the feet of West Ham defender Jonathan Spector. Then InSpector (as I like to call him) played poorly for the Hammers this past season mainly as a leftback, but then again West Ham in general played poorly. After the Turkey friendly, I’m afraid that Spector lost his starting job because of several awful defensive lapses. Competition for his spot at rightback will come from the wily Hannover 96 defender and captain Steve Cherundolo. A veteran of two previous World Cups, Bob Bradley may wish to play the more in form Dolo instead of Spector.

Now we get to discuss every Honduran’s favorite American…Jonathan Bornstein. While his 95th minute headed goal against Costa Rica incited pure madness in Honduras and a few nerds like me in America, his form for the Yanks has been between terrible and below average. Quite frankly if Johnny B sees the field in South Africa, we all need to pray to any deity or higher being to spare our souls from torture.

Also featuring as a reserve central defender will be Clarence Goodson who plays for IK Start in some place called Norway. Apparently this fictional country has a higher per capita GDP than the United States (IMPOSSIBLE) and was the home of some lame fantasy Dungeons and Dragons people called Vikings. We may see Goodson start at centerback, if Coach Scowl feels like Onyewu’s fitness is not suitable for a full 90 minute shift.