Why can't I stop laughing at this?

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Durham: I’m finding you in contempt of court.
Allen: I don’t care. Durham: I know you don’t. And I sentence you to twenty days for that. And if you say anything else, I’m going to add twenty days for everything you say.
Allen: frick you.
Durham: Forty days.
Allen: frick you again.
Durham: Sixty
Allen: Go frick yourself.
Durham: A year.
Allen: Your mamma.
Durham: Ten years.
Allen: Suck my dick.

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Durham: You prefer men, right?
Allen: I frick white-white boys.
Durham: You-oh, oh, white or black?
Allen: White boys.
Durham: Oh. Butt boys?
Allen: With big butts.
Durham: Oh, of course. You know, you look like a queer. [He's the judge, remember]
Allen: Well, okay. So now you’re calling me a queer in the courtroom.
Durham: I didn’t call you one. I said you looked like one.

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Allen: I’ll make sure the next time I come to court-
Durham: I-
Allen: I’ll pull it out and jack on you. Durham: Okay. Why don’t you do that right now?
Allen: I jack on white boys-
Durham: Why don’t you do it right now? Allen: -just like I jack on females.
Durham: Do it now.
Allen: I can’t do it now.
Durham: Do it now. Allen: I ain’t got-I ain’t got but-
Durham: I don’t care.
Allen: Take off the cuffs
Durham: How many hands do you have to have to do it?
Allen: Take off the cuffs
Durham: Come on-no. Jack off.
Allen: This is kangaroo court.
Durham: Come on. Jack off.
Allen: This is-this is a kangaroo court.
Durham: Jack off right now.

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So uh, what happened, with all that?

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you want to know if he jacked off?

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‘Suck My D***’: Read The Most Insane Court Transcript In US History

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‘Suck My D***’: Read The Most Insane Court Transcript In US History

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Allen’s truculence leads into an extended argument about Allen’s manhood and whether its advantageous use would improve his chances in his murder trial.

“You reckon if I let you suck my dick that I could get a fair trial here?” Allen says.

“I don’t think that’s going to get you a fair trial unless you have every one of the jurors do it,” Durham replies.

Allen then boasts of the power of his “big old donkey dick,” leading to another testy exchange.

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Allen then requests a “court order to get my dick sucked,” which Durham does not address.

“I’ll bet everybody enjoys sucking your cock,” Durham says instead, setting off a lengthy and testing exchange during which Durham also informs Allen he has “a constitutional right to be a dumbass.”

Allen then abruptly changes tack, announcing that he will butcher Durham’s entire family.

“How about this?” he says. “I’ll kill your whole family. When I get in this trial, I will murder your whole family. I’ll cut your children up into pieces. I’ll knock their brains out with a fricking hammer and feed them to you … I will murder you, your whole family, your kids. I’m not supposed to be in jail. I was framed.”

Allen then abruptly veers back into sexual topics, once again boasting about his formidable penis. The hearing then reaches its zenith, with Durham bluntly ordering Allen to masturbate in court:

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Allen then returns to threatening Durham’s family, and is finally taken from the courtroom while declaring “I’m subpoenaing y’all’s arse in the courtroom.”

The transcript ends with a certification by court reporter Fay Frankland that its contents are a true, complete, and correct transcript of the whole hearing’s proceedings.

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