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re: How do you deal with the guilt of living far away from your aging parents?
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:56 pm to notiger1997
Posted on 3/6/24 at 5:56 pm to notiger1997
quote:
It’s never that easy as just saying “live your life” My parents had a very unfortunate event happen that ruined them financially so it isn’t like they can move somewhere nice nor would they want to at the age of 83. I’m going to plan on my kids never having to make the choice to stay nearby when my wife and I get old.
I don’t see how this has anything to do with what I said — I’m not talking about the parents moving.
My parents miss me, but they knew I needed to “spread my wings” for lack of a better term. Only thing that kept me around as long as it did was TOPS.
Often leaving for opportunities gives you a better shot and being in a position to be able to help your family one day.
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Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:03 pm to philly444
quote:
How do you deal with the guilt of living far away from your aging parents?
My dad passed away when I was 10 so you would think that I would have issues with leaving my mother but no. I have lived abroad and multiple cities that were a thousand miles from home over the past 2 decades and my mother would come visit me regularly. She woke up at 2AM and drove 19 hours from NELA to West Virginia to see her baby boy (me) on Christmas when I had to work on Christmas my intern year. However, the second she got grandkids from my brother all that stopped. I live less about an hour away and does she come over to visit? No. I am supposed to drive and help her keep my niece and nephew now.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:03 pm to notsince98
quote:
well, you can learn at a young age that you'll never regret choosing family.
I know I did at age 18 when my mom died. She was only 39.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:04 pm to philly444
This one is tough on me. My parents and my wifes are in their mid 60s. My wife’s parents are in WAY worse health so we decided to move to them partially so our daughter can grow up with them. The tradeoff is I only see my parents 4-5 times a year
This post was edited on 3/6/24 at 6:05 pm
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:06 pm to philly444
I don’t have much. They’re both in their early 80s.
I’ve offered to build a small place for them on my property here in palm beach county. I have an acre and a half. They’re too stuck in their ways and private and will never leave Gretna. I don’t want to move my three kids to Louisiana from Florida where there will be less opportunities so it is what it is.
I’ve offered to build a small place for them on my property here in palm beach county. I have an acre and a half. They’re too stuck in their ways and private and will never leave Gretna. I don’t want to move my three kids to Louisiana from Florida where there will be less opportunities so it is what it is.
This post was edited on 3/6/24 at 6:09 pm
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:11 pm to philly444
Invite them out quite a bit. I miss both my parents badly on a regular basis, but they chose to stay in Louisiana.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:13 pm to notsince98
quote:
you'll never regret choosing family.
Your DoorDash order is waiting for pickup for the customer.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:24 pm to philly444
I'm just about to begin something I was wanting to start a few years ago. I held off because my dad's health was declining. He passed away peacefully at home exactly six months ago today. No way in hell I was leaving knowing he was losing what health he had left and being unsure if I would be able to get back home in time. I'd never forgive myself if I left knowing he needed my help and if I wasn't able to have been with him until the end.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:28 pm to alajones
quote:
We moved from Shreveport back to Huntsville after my mother had a stroke. So, I guess we didn’t feel guilty, more like…obligated.
To be fair Huntsville is an upgrade over Shreveport so seems like a win win here
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:31 pm to philly444
When I went away to college I never moved back home in any long term way. I really missed a lot with immediate family and cousins. Work and distance took their toll. Fortunately neither parent had a long term illness, but we had a few medical emergencies. There’s been lots of challenges.
I’d say it’s much easier if you have time and resources.
I’d say it’s much easier if you have time and resources.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:33 pm to philly444
Pop has lived out of the country for the better part of 20 years. That one is pretty easy to square away.
I had planned on moving my mother out here, but her condition deteriorated so quickly that we put her in memory care before I was able to make arrangements. It's pretty tough to not be near her, but she wouldn't know, anyway. I try to fly back to see her once or twice a quarter.
I had planned on moving my mother out here, but her condition deteriorated so quickly that we put her in memory care before I was able to make arrangements. It's pretty tough to not be near her, but she wouldn't know, anyway. I try to fly back to see her once or twice a quarter.
This post was edited on 3/6/24 at 6:35 pm
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:36 pm to ItzMe1972
Had a chance to work overseas. It would have been fun and I was already familiar with the company and country. We decided against it, however, in part because not only would we be so far from our aging parents but they would be so far from their grandchild. Looking back, we could have done it for a few years, then moved back before the parents got so old they needed our help.
But there are no regrets. The grandparents got to know their grandchild and when they did need our help, we were there. I was the primary care giver for my mom after my dad died. Spent a couple of days with her each week to take care of her stuff and give her some company. She only lived about 100 miles away. You only have one mama.
But there are no regrets. The grandparents got to know their grandchild and when they did need our help, we were there. I was the primary care giver for my mom after my dad died. Spent a couple of days with her each week to take care of her stuff and give her some company. She only lived about 100 miles away. You only have one mama.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:39 pm to h0bnail
quote:
I'm an only child and it's enough to keep me from going anywhere before they pass.
Same here. I actually moved closer to home and took a $13,000 decrease in salary my mom has healthy issues and my dad can take care of her now but she can’t drive or live alone if something happens to my dad.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 6:58 pm to philly444
It’s tough, but I have siblings close by. Dad passed and mom is 89. One of my sisters lives with her. Only see her a few times a year.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 7:31 pm to philly444
My parents moved away after I was married. I have no guilt. They were to far away to have any real relationship with their grandchildren. Now they are very elderly and in horrible health with no children living near them. I used to go to their house to help them after a crisis but not anymore. We all make our decisions and we all have to live with the consequences.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 7:38 pm to philly444
I see mine several times a week. I hate thinking about later on...
Posted on 3/6/24 at 7:48 pm to philly444
It’s a two edged sword. It’s not all positive. I live near my dad and see him nearly every day. His mind has deteriorated significantly to a point where it hard to have a basic conversation and i lose my patience and end up saying things I regret. It’s also a physical issue with incontinence and loss of vision. Seeing the gradual decline even on a day to day level takes its toll. Seeing a strong man that you love and respect deteriorate, really is hard to see.
This post was edited on 3/6/24 at 7:50 pm
Posted on 3/6/24 at 7:50 pm to Shamoan
God bless you and your pops sir. What a story.
This post was edited on 3/6/24 at 7:52 pm
Posted on 3/6/24 at 7:53 pm to LemmyLives
quote:
Send cards, send physical letters. They most probably will take a ton of pride in you doing things for your family that they couldn't.
Send your mom flowers the third Friday of every month (she will circle that on the calendar for sure). Send your dad a BBQ box (or whatever he's into) every month. Give him a gift certificate for a lawnmower blade sharpening, or send him stuff from Bass Pro that he likes. Order them home delivery food once a month.
Excellent suggestion, one of our daughters living in Seattle does similar things for us. She also FaceTimes frequently with her kids which is a joy.
Rest of our grandkids are an hour away and as the older ones grow and start college we don’t see them much, especially the boys. It can be disheartening but they have their own lives to live.
I’ve talked to the older ones about future careers and my advice is always to go where the best opportunities are along with quality of life conditions. Unfortunately that’s mostly not in Louisiana.
Sometimes you’ve got to move out to move up, either geographically or employer wise. They’ve got lives ahead long after I’m gone, and I’m proud of them all regardless of where they live.
Posted on 3/6/24 at 7:54 pm to philly444
I did the same and it’s tough to think about missing the remaining years with them. I’d probably go home if I could, but there aren’t many high finance jobs in Lake Charles and I’m not in a position to take a pay cut.
I figure I’ll probably end up with a lot of regret at some point.
I figure I’ll probably end up with a lot of regret at some point.
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