Being There For A Parent That Abandoned You And Has Been A Source Of Pain Your Entire Life

I have two friends, brother and sister, who are dealing with something that I find hard to understand.

Their mother was cold and distant growing up. She was beautiful and social, always on the go. They were very close with their father. When the brother was around 11 and the sister around 9, the mother filed for divorce and left. They had little to no contact with her in the following years. They would call and write, sometimes she would call back or send a card. The father raised them and they continued to have a good relationship with the father.

They had a face to face meeting with the mother when they were around ages 20-18 where they confronted her with their feelings of disappointment. The mother was unapologetic, stating that she was tired of being a mother and dealing with everything that came with it. She wanted some fun, to be free, so she left. She said that she knew the father would be there for them so she didn’t have any regrets.

Then she laid another bomb on them. She also didn’t like being a wife and had numerous affairs during her marriage. She told them both that the father they had known was not their father; they were products of affairs with other men and were half siblings. She told them who their real fathers were. One was a business associate of their father. Their father did not know.

The mother’s story was proved true. They never told their father. They couldn’t bear to do so. They loved and idolized him, say he was a kind and decent man. I believe this as well plus he was a very hard worker and provider. He died when they were around age 30. They have no relationships with their real fathers.

Now the mother is old and in failing health. She is on oxygen, has pulmonary issues and other major health problems. After decades of traveling the world and endless relationships with men (she never remarried) and hard living, her looks are long since gone, she struggles keeping up. Now she wants to connect with her children and has reached out to them.

The son said to hell with her. He wants nothing to do with her. The daughter, who in the past seemed to be the most angry with her, has responded to the overture. She says that she has no illusions as to what a disappointment her mother is and has been her whole life nor does she forget all the pain she caused. To her, she is simply still her mother and she perhaps has a final chance at having some kind of meaningful connection before the mother dies.

What would you do?