NCAA investigating God for giving gifts to athletes

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Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Reports indicated that over the past several decades, the Almighty has provided hundreds of players from high-profile Division I football and basketball programs with abundant natural speed, strength, and agility, and both the universities and the players themselves are now said to be facing heavy sanctions and punishments.

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Reports confirmed that LSU, Tennessee, Notre Dame, UCLA, North Carolina, Oregon, USC, Louisville, Maryland, Rutgers, Alabama, Iowa, UConn, Boise State, San Diego State, Wisconsin, Illinois, Butler, Arkansas, Clemson, TCU, Washington State, Ole Miss, Baylor, UNLV, Vanderbilt, Syracuse, BC, Purdue, Ball State, Missouri, Wake Forest, Memphis, BYU, Pittsburgh, Duke, West Virginia, Virginia, Villanova, Kansas, Miami, Auburn, Ohio State, Penn State, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Florida, Florida State, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Arizona, Arizona State, Michigan, Michigan State, Texas, Texas Tech, and Texas A&M are among the over 300 schools implicated in the scandal.

“These rules are in place not only to maintain the competitive balance of the NCAA, but also to protect the players themselves from being exploited,” Emmert said. “Many of these young men were taking advantage of raw athletic skills as far back as high school and even middle school. God was clearly manipulating these kids from a very young age.”

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