Transformers: Rise of the Beasts — I saw this POS tonight so you won’t have to

I don’t know why, but I was excited about seeing a Transformers movie at the theater. I’m a weird dude. I figured it’d be mindless entertainment like a Transformers movie should be, and I like going to the movies. So here’s my review of Rise of the Beasts (“ROB”).

Sweet baby Jesus, this motherfricker was not even entertaining. I’m struggling to think of a worse movie I’ve seen in the theater in recent memory. It’s by far the worst Transformers movie. I’d rather watch Crystal Skull.

1) Visuals. Michael Bay had his issues, but at least we could count on a visual spectacle. The graphics in ROB are uninspiring but serviceable—with one exception: Unicron looked great, in the short time we saw him.

Otherwise, I guess the robots look about the same as in the earlier movies 10-15 years ago. Except the fight scenes were bland and boring. No dramatic action shots, no cool fight moves, nothing memorable whatsoever. The final battle was yet another “good guys versus a massive horde” fight that’s been done often and better recently.

2) Casting/acting. Michael Bay also delivered hot women to please the eye, alongside talented actors. Not here, buddy.

The Hispanic male protagonist is a trashy unkempt loser (but with a heart of gold!) who needs a shave and a shower. We spend an inordinate amount of time watching him try to get a job, hanging out with his sickly brother (who might die from sickle cell anemia bc they can’t afford treatment), and then trying to steal a car. He’s not charismatic or funny.

The black female protagonist is like a 25 year old genius know-it-all artifacts expert. With a glance, she can instantly authenticate and appraise any artifact. She’s not remotely attractive, nor does she have charisma, charm, or humor.

The acting was a chore to watch. And personal preference, I can’t stand that heavy trashy sounding Brooklyn or whatever accent. It grates, bad. Every human looked in need of a shower.

Edgy line from the movie: “make sure to laugh at all their jokes—white people love that shite.” That’s as close as we get to humor.

3) Plot.
It’s a Transformers movie. The robots are fighting over another never-before-mentioned thingamajig. What else. After the opening scene, we are treated to about 30 minutes of dumb humans. At some points the movie feels like a bland Indiana Jones ripoff.

The autobots were alright. Optimus and Bumblebee are there as their usual selves. Mirage is the good-natured plot-driving one. And there are a couple other autobots who…were there.

The “beasts” were wholly forgettable. Simply animal-shaped robots, for some reason. They didn’t transform and had zero personality. I think they had names. They don’t combine to form a giant robot or do anything exciting. The gorilla has the same dull personality as Optimus.

The movie went heavy on the NYC urban vibe. If you like early 90s hip hop, you’ll like the music.

ETA: I’ve been told the beasts do transform. I have no memory of them transforming, but apparently they did. That’s how forgettable they were. They were lame and not at all like the Predacons of old.