Students Protest Valentines Privledge (Satire - Happy V Day)

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TRIGGER WARNING: Valentine’s Privilege is discussed below.

A new wave of progressivism has swept across campus as students are beginning to check one another’s privilege in regards to Valentine’s Day. This movement seeks to change the societal criterion that Valentine’s Day can only be celebrated by people in relationships.

Students across campus protested those who are already privileged enough to have someone and believe they should not be rewarded for what has been handed to them. Among all protesters is the belief that, if not everyone can celebrate it, then why is it a holiday? Some students went as far as labeling it a fake holiday created by marketing companies to generate revenue and incorporate consumerism into our love lives.

On campus, it was easy to find students more than willing to offer their opinion on the matter. “Who even has the money for Valentine’s Day,” said Barney Tillerson, senior economics major. “The average college student is poor and can’t afford such luxury. I walked into Target, saw the Valentine’s Day display, and literally began shaking. Did no one stop to ask how this would make me feel?”

Other students were more upset with the premise of Valentine’s Day itself, rather than the limited scope of its celebrants. “If I can’t be confident in my own independence, then couples shouldn’t be allowed to be happy around me,” said Margery Fellow, a junior general studies major. “When we were in grade school, we brought Valentines for everyone. I don’t see that happening now; we need equality and university officials who will support redistribution of Valentines to historically single individuals.”

Several protesters felt as if the colors tied to the holiday needed a trigger warning. “The main color used to represent Valentine’s Day is red, which can serve to trigger violent memories, or pink which should be replaced by a gender neutral color,” said Wilbur Steins, a senior agriculture systems major.

Those in relationships disagreed with the movement. “Being in a relationship wasn’t something that was given to us. Susan and I have worked hard to overcome difficulties that we’ve faced being together,” said Adam Wass, a junior RPTS major. “I don’t understand how someone can think people in relationships are born into them or are a product of some implicit bias we have towards being in one. We just want a day where we can have fun and celebrate being together.”

The day’s events escalated when a newly engaged couple under the Century Tree had their safe space assaulted by nearby protesters. The couple was reportedly forced to apologize for their privilege of having a Valentine and for their explicit and heart-centered obedience to our corporate overlords.

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