Santa Claus is a problem

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Normally in my Christmas newsletter, I try to avoid regulatory and compliance issues and try to present a more seasonal message. However, because of recent developments in Washington, there is another issue that is more important. Both the White House and Congress have a real concern about the fact that Santa Claus totally ignores our laws and regulations. Stop the madness! Something must be done! Recently, the leaders of both parties and the President met to express their concerns. Foremost among the problems raised are the following:

The American Civil Liberties Union believes that because Santa delivers his presents on Christmas Eve rather than on Ramadan or Chanukah that he is the embodiment of religious discrimination. This is further expressed in his salutation of “Merry Christmas.” It wants legislation requiring Santa to deliver gifts only on the Seinfeld created holiday of Festivus. Moreover, the ACLU is of the opinion that the children of wealthy families get more expensive gifts than those of low and moderate-income families creating a racial and ethnic disparity.

The Environmental Protection Agency is concerned about global warming caused by flatulence from the reindeer. Believe me; don’t ever stand downwind from a reindeer herd. The EPA demands that by 2016, Santa change the animals pulling his sleigh to ones with 20% fewer emissions. However, the Chinese Santa Claus has until 2030 to address the problem.

The Immigration and Naturalization Service is concerned that Santa does not have a visa to enter the United States. Moreover, there is no evidence that he even has a passport. What if he decided to remain in the U.S.? He might demand social security and Medicare and that his elves be allowed to attend our schools. Because Santa has no income, he would also probably want food stamps for his entire entourage. And then, he would spread good cheer rather than divisiveness all year long. We certainly don’t want that type of illegal immigrant.

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is of the opinion that the whole gift giving concept begun by the three kings has gotten totally out of hand. It believes that many people spend more than they can afford on Christmas gifts and that there should be a new rule requiring shoppers to pass an ability-to-afford test before they can purchase a Christmas gift.

Michelle Obama is concerned about Santa’s weight, and the poor image he projects to children. She believes the problem is the people that leave milk and cookies out for Santa. Anyone that ate that many cookies and drank that much milk would be seriously overweight, too. Therefore, she wants a rule that anyone leaving food out for Santa may only leave asparagus and broccoli (despite that leading to yet another potential EPA emissions concern).

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is up in arms about the abuse the reindeer take. They fly for 24 hours without a break. They demand that there be a 15 minute break every two hours and that no reindeer can fly more than eight hours per day. And poor Rudolph! The only way Santa can get his nose so bright is to get him sloshed on vodka before the flight begins.

But wait, there is more. On top of all of that, there are millions of unserved warrants against Santa for trespass and breaking and entering. Santa has never been screened by the TSA, he files no flight plan and his violation of the speed limits is egregious.

Folks, this has got to stop. Hopefully, our political leaders can come together in a bipartisan effort to stop this wanton disregard of our laws and regulations. When that happens, we will add those regulations to the ones on which we provide advice.

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