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Deadspin: Why the Cowboys suck
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:16 am
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:16 am
quote:
Your team: Dallas Cowboys
Your 2012 record: 8-8.
Your coach: Jerry Jones.
I know that the team lists "Jason Garrett" as the head coach, but come on, now. Jason Garrett had his balls cut off and placed in a saddlebag the day he was hired. The title of "head coach" is strictly a ceremonial one in Dallas. The Double J coaches the team, and pissboys like Jason Garrett are left to handle the tedious work of attending press conferences and icing the Cowboys kicker.
Do you think Garrett had any say in whisking poor old Monte Kiffin away from his shuffleboard game and plopping him in the booth as defensive coordinator? Of course not. That's pure Jerry, right there. He picks the players, hires the assistants, writes a few nine-step drop pass plays on the back of a strip club flyer, and leaves Garrett to clean up the mess. It doesn't matter who coaches the Cowboys, and it won't until the Double J dies and leaves his kid with a 30-year head coaching contract.
quote:
Why your team sucks:
As we've noted before, the Cowboys are still trying to squeeze out victories from a core group of players that Bill Parcells put together SEVEN YEARS AGO. It's like watching a TV network burn off episodes of an old Mike O'Malley comedy. The only bright young spot on this team is Dez Bryant, who is always one step away from being arrested in a botched jewelry heist. They traded up to draft Morris Claiborne last season and Pro Football Focus rated him as the league's 83rd best corner in 2012, which seems... not good. They're an aging team that refuses to admit that they're aging, and Jones is always convinced he's just one superstar rookie away from seeing the whole thing come together.
That is where the hilarity comes from. It's one astounding pratfall after another. Their safety broke his tooth on a Jolly Rancher! They let the team golf cart drive itself! They kill each other while drunk driving! OH YOU LITTLE RASCALS. The past decade-plus of wretched Cowboys football—and the next two decades of the same—are karmic payback for all those years that bandwagon Cowboys fans lorded both their team's dominance and their popularity over the rest of the NFL.
quote:
Why your team doesn't suck: I have nothing to put here.
LINK
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Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:20 am to boXerrumble
quote:
They kill each other while drunk driving
Well that was a bit harsh
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:22 am to boXerrumble
the deadspin 'why your team sucks' series has been hilarious... the one on the titans had a line about Bud Adams... 'at least al davis had the decency to die'. 
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:37 am to lowspark12
quote:
Jerry Jones has as much business being GM as George Zimmerman does at a screening of Roots.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:41 am to Fun Bunch
quote:
The loudest thing at a Cowboys home game is the fricking Ed Hardy print shirts.
quote:
Jerry fricking Jones will hire another human being to wipe his glasses on a fricking shirt...but NOT to run his two billion dollar football team.
quote:
Our fanbase is made up largely of people like me. That is to say, people whose lifetime experience with the state of Texas consists of 90 minutes in the T.G.I. Friday's at Dallas-Ft. Worth International Airport.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:48 am to lowspark12
someone please turn this into an "In" gif
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:49 am to boXerrumble
Jerry is a great owner and a decent GM. His moves haven't worked but as a franchise, they certainly do not suck
Jerry's weakness is hiring yes men. I saw footage of how scared wade wilson was when jerry went to speak and the locker room wouldn't quiet down. If jerry will just a hire a coach he conflicts with, they would be like the yankees.
just look at the success with johnson. Look at the players jerry has drafted. The only thing holding them back is jerry's unwillingness to be challenged, and that is a big fricking problem
Jerry's weakness is hiring yes men. I saw footage of how scared wade wilson was when jerry went to speak and the locker room wouldn't quiet down. If jerry will just a hire a coach he conflicts with, they would be like the yankees.
just look at the success with johnson. Look at the players jerry has drafted. The only thing holding them back is jerry's unwillingness to be challenged, and that is a big fricking problem
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:57 am to DelU249
quote:
Jerry is a great owner
Yea
quote:
and a decent GM
No
Posted on 9/6/13 at 10:59 am to CE Tiger
Lol
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:00 am to DelU249
quote:
If jerry will just a hire a coach he conflicts with, they would be like the yankees.
Uh no. He needs to hire a GM, that hires a coach, that both do what the frick they want with limited input from him.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:01 am to DelU249
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:03 am to CE Tiger
quote:
someone please turn this into an "In" gif
Would be a better 'Out' gif.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:19 am to Fun Bunch
He certainly knows a good football player when he sees them. Maybe hire a co-gm, but the talent isn't the issue in dallas. It is the coaching and the discipline.
Sean Payton seems to be the only coach he respects in terms of "no jerry, you're wrong about this" I could see payton being a perfect fit in dallas.
Sean Payton seems to be the only coach he respects in terms of "no jerry, you're wrong about this" I could see payton being a perfect fit in dallas.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:26 am to boXerrumble
quote:
karmic payback for all those years that bandwagon Cowboys fans lorded both their team's dominance and their popularity over the rest of the NFL.
Great line - pretty much sums it all up
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:29 am to boXerrumble
quote:
They traded up to draft Morris Claiborne last season and Pro Football Focus rated him as the league's 83rd best corner in 2012
Yikes
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:32 am to boXerrumble
quote:
They have no chance, and I don't think that Jerry really gives a shite anyway. Jerry's real passion is his stadium and his new frickbus, and the Cowboys are the little museum diorama that he walks by every so often to dust off.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:34 am to SPEEDY
quote:
They traded up to draft Morris Claiborne last season and Pro Football Focus rated him as the league's 83rd best corner in 2012
as a rookie. Where was peterson ranked as a corner his rookie year because he got torched repeatedly and often. He MIGHT be the best corner in the league right now.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:41 am to DelU249
quote:
Jerry is a great owner and a decent GM. His moves haven't worked but as a franchise, they certainly do not suck
Jerry's weakness is hiring yes men. I saw footage of how scared wade wilson was when jerry went to speak and the locker room wouldn't quiet down. If jerry will just a hire a coach he conflicts with, they would be like the yankees.
just look at the success with johnson. Look at the players jerry has drafted. The only thing holding them back is jerry's unwillingness to be challenged, and that is a big fricking problem
Jerry is the worst GM in the league.. by far. He drafted NONE of the players responsible for the 3 SB in 4 years. During that time Jimmy had full control of player decisions. Since then. 1 playoff win.
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:43 am to DelU249
quote:
He certainly knows a good football player when he sees them.
Does he?
Posted on 9/6/13 at 11:43 am to DelU249
Jerrah is as astute at player personnel evaluation as he is picking a plastic surgeon.
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