Mo really wants to get something off her chest.

quote:

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It started innocently enough. I was alone. And it was my body. And as far as I knew masterbation had no effect on my virginity. So I could still wade into the water here and not be violating my decree.

And soon enough it was nervous first kisses and making out if we could sneak away and find a private place. No effect on my virginity.

Then one day their hands found the courage to wander and new feelings overcame me and even though there were nerves within me that knew this was more than it should be, I rationalized that it still had no impact on my virginity.

And the hands got more aggressive, and more and more was expected of me. And I never once felt like I knew what I was doing, but why would I give less of myself than as far as I had already been? I felt like performance was expected of me. And, after all, I was still a virgin. I still had my virginity.

And eventually, the day that oral sex came into the equation, I was chin deep in the murky gray area and I just stopped keeping track of my comfort level or my apprehensions or my moral dignity. I knew it was all too much and I knew it was all too far. But “How far is too far?” kept running through my head and my convicted pride rationalized that I STILL had my virginity.

So I spent years giving pieces of myself away, sexually, all while flying my virgin banner high and halfheartedly rationalizing that I still held my virginity. And I would lay in my own emotional filth in a college bed filled with lust and regret and lost dignity and I would wonder why they would whisper and laugh to themselves when I told them we couldn’t go ALL the way because I was a virgin. Yet, like a fool, I would roll over and give pieces of myself away to make sure my newest friend knew I could still meet all of his other needs.

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