Making the OT a more tolerant place: What not to say to a transgender person.

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1. "You look so real, I never would've known!"
While usually said with good intentions, this is one of the more undermining statements. We don't need nontrans people to affirm our gender, nor does the subtle implication that we are fake -- or dressing up and trying to fool you -- ever feel very good. Transgender people are not cubic zirconia.

2. "What do you do with your wife?"
What do you do with yours? Don't assume I -- or any other transgender person -- want to be asked about my sex life any more than you do.

3. "I thought you were going to be scary, but you're so polite and normal."
A woman who chauffeured me around a book fair once actually told me this, before admitting that she'd left her children at home when she learned whom she was tasked with driving. I think she thought it was a compliment, but it wasn't. Not even the "normal" part.

4. "I don't care; you'll always be a girl to me."
It's true that your experience is your experience, and mine is my own. But it's simple, common decency to refer to people by both the pronouns and the names they prefer. (So don't continue to use a birth name if you happen to know it, and don't ask, "What's your real name?" if you don't.) Women have been taking their husbands' surnames for centuries, and generations of humans have had little problem making the switch along with them. It's not that difficult to be respectful, so maybe lay off lamenting how hard somebody's transition has been for you.

5. "Aren't you afraid of getting beaten up?"
Thanks for reminding me about that. There was a time early in my transition when a pack of kids on the subway pulled a knife and taunted me, "You think you're a tough guy or something?" I'd managed not to worry about being a victim of a hate crime for a while before you brought it up!

6. "Meet my friend Tyson; he's a transgender!"
It's not cool to out a transperson without his or her permission. It's a matter of respect and privacy. Sadly, it can also be a matter of personal safety. (Also: don't use "transgender" as a noun, while we're at it.)

7. "When did you realize you were gay?"
I know this is confounding, but it's important to understand that sexuality (whom you're attracted to) and gender identity (what gender you identify as) are two different things, and often unrelated. Trans people can be gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, really into gym socks -- basically any sexuality a nontrans person can express.

8. "When did you have 'The Surgery'?"
And this brings us back to Couric's question about Carrera and Cox. There is no one surgery, and the fact is, transpeople have a wide variety of situations going on "down there," and everywhere else. Some have surgeries; others don't. Some take hormone therapy; others don't. Some can afford neither surgery nor hormones; some do one, but not the other. Others can and will do it "all," so to speak.

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