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re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:21 am to HubbaBubba
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:21 am to HubbaBubba
Tough story there. I can't imagine what your wife is feeling. My thoughts are with her.
With that said, I agree she should let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think any biological parent has the right to force themselves into their adopted child's life. It should be up to the adoptive parents to allow that to happen. As much as that might hurt the biological parent(s) you have to think about the psychological aspect it might have on the child. S/he might've grown up their whole life thinking their adoptive parents are their real blood. A pot I for sure would not want stirred. Approaching the adoptive parents with an open heart and laying all of your feelings out on the table for them to realize how much meeting your biological child would mean to you, is what you can only do(IMO). And leave it up to them to decide.
I hope your wife gets the closer she deserves from the adoptive parents. If not, that burden is for them to bare. Not your wife's.
With that said, I agree she should let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think any biological parent has the right to force themselves into their adopted child's life. It should be up to the adoptive parents to allow that to happen. As much as that might hurt the biological parent(s) you have to think about the psychological aspect it might have on the child. S/he might've grown up their whole life thinking their adoptive parents are their real blood. A pot I for sure would not want stirred. Approaching the adoptive parents with an open heart and laying all of your feelings out on the table for them to realize how much meeting your biological child would mean to you, is what you can only do(IMO). And leave it up to them to decide.
I hope your wife gets the closer she deserves from the adoptive parents. If not, that burden is for them to bare. Not your wife's.
1
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:22 am to HubbaBubba
Sounds like they never told him he was adopted. I may have overlooked you saying otherwise. But if they hadn't, I can understand them not wanting to do it even when he was 27.
At first I thought, why not reach out to the wife, surely they would want to know, but now might be too soon. And you surely wouldn't get a warm reception like your wife is probably imagining.
3 kids finding out their grandparents aren't really their real grandparents would be tough too.
At first I thought, why not reach out to the wife, surely they would want to know, but now might be too soon. And you surely wouldn't get a warm reception like your wife is probably imagining.
3 kids finding out their grandparents aren't really their real grandparents would be tough too.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:22 am to Volvagia
quote:Good points, all.
Volvagia
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:26 am to HubbaBubba
Prayers for you and your wife. This may be a very difficult process for your wife. She may likely need counseling, as an event of this nature could become something from which she doesn't heal. She has lost a child, which is terrible enough, but she has little way to grieve and draw support (assuming very few know and she has no public connection to her child). I can't even imagine that first realization.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:30 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
She took a sedative
You have heavy sedatives just laying around your house?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:30 am to HubbaBubba
Very sorry to hear this story
Can't imagine
Can't imagine
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:31 am to Breesus
quote:You don't get to be my age and not have all kinds of drugs, sport.
You have heavy sedatives just laying around your house?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:33 am to HubbaBubba
I’d say F-her! I’ve experienced it from the opposite side. I never knew my father, but when he died, I got a phone call ....and was supposed to care. Sorry, but decades of silence erode one’s interest.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:36 am to HubbaBubba
Damn. I'm sorry. I can't even begin to know how she must feel and surely can't give advise on this situation but that's sucks they didn't give the boy the choice if he wanted to meet his birth mother or not. Prayers for yall.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:50 am to lsuconnman
Did you read the part where she’s tried to reach out and was turned away?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 2:59 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
Anyway, now my wife wants to reach out to her son's wife, and let her know, so that her children can know where they came from, and let the wife know that if she needs help, we can help.
Uhh... no. Just no.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:01 am to lsuconnman
quote:
I’d say F-her! I’ve experienced it from the opposite side. I never knew my father, but when he died, I got a phone call ....and was supposed to care. Sorry, but decades of silence erode one’s interest.
Why post this shite?
The OP is one of the most solid people I know on this site and has no malice in his heart and his wife is likely the same as well if he's any indication.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 3:04 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:04 am to GeorgeTheGreek
We live to fight another day. Fight.
we li pa pie anah day
we li pa pie anah day
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:07 am to Sentrius
quote:
Why post this shite?
Agreed. Very different scenarios, and a callous response. Adoption is not abandonment when the child is given up for a more suitable upbringing.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:14 am to HubbaBubba
From a strictly utilitarian point of view, your wife's biological grandchildren have the right to know what, if anything, runs in the family disease wise - diabetes, heart failure, cancer, etc...
Your wife should get in touch with the widow to disclose this information, if for no other reason.
My mother and her brother were adopted. He recently died of pancreatic cancer with no knowledge of it running in the family. They've never made contact with their real father's family out of spite. I recently told her "frick that", I am leading the efforts to do so to find out what other diseases my siblings and I don't know we are at risk for.
Your wife should get in touch with the widow to disclose this information, if for no other reason.
My mother and her brother were adopted. He recently died of pancreatic cancer with no knowledge of it running in the family. They've never made contact with their real father's family out of spite. I recently told her "frick that", I am leading the efforts to do so to find out what other diseases my siblings and I don't know we are at risk for.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:17 am to Sentrius
1. Damn you skipped out on the check. That was what struck me the most. Guess I wasn't expecting that with how things were flowing.
2. You could look at donating some money to one of those college savings accounts for the kids.
3. This is a bit abrasive but here's my take on it: wife gave up that child. She has no right to interject now. Think of how that would be received by someone. Not a great position for her to be in, but she has to just let this go. That's just how it goes when you hand over a child for adoption. You trust you're doing it for the right reasons and that the child is better off because of it, and in return you're no longer the parent and no longer in the child's life. Just have to move on, again.
2. You could look at donating some money to one of those college savings accounts for the kids.
3. This is a bit abrasive but here's my take on it: wife gave up that child. She has no right to interject now. Think of how that would be received by someone. Not a great position for her to be in, but she has to just let this go. That's just how it goes when you hand over a child for adoption. You trust you're doing it for the right reasons and that the child is better off because of it, and in return you're no longer the parent and no longer in the child's life. Just have to move on, again.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:29 am to Langland
quote:
Anyway, now my wife wants to reach out to her son's wife, and let her know, so that her children can know where they came from, and let the wife know that if she needs help, we can help.
Uhh... no. Just no.
Not to be a dick, but I can not imagine how that conversation goes.
HI, I know your husband just died and left you with 3 kids, which has turned your entire world upside down and inside out, but I just wanted to let you know he was also adopted, a fact you might not know, and the blood running through those kids you have is mine and not his parents, so really you don't know your own kids. Good luck.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:35 am to Breesus
quote:
Not to be a dick, but I can not imagine how that conversation goes.
HI, I know your husband just died and left you with 3 kids, which has turned your entire world upside down and inside out, but I just wanted to let you know he was also adopted, a fact you might not know, and the blood running through those kids you have is mine and not his parents, so really you don't know your own kids. Good luck.
^^ Spot on.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:46 am to starsandstripes
quote:
She has no right to interject now.
You're saying that like it's an absolute given. Only idiots deal in absolutes when there's obviously grey area.
What if the adoptee is a grown arse adult now and not any parent's decision, birth or adopted, to make like in the OP's case?
There has been many cases of adopted people and birth parents reuniting and it being a joyous occasion.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 3:53 am to Sentrius
quote:
Only idiots deal in absolutes
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