iO9 Disembowels Transformers: The Last Knight

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Here we are again.

Hello, my old friend. I wish I could say it was good to see you.


We might as well get started. What is Transformers: The Last Knight about?

It’s about everything. Everything that happened to pop in Michael Bay’s head over the course of god knows however long it took to churn out this thing. In a way, it’s completely unique among the Bayformers films in that it has more story than the previous four films combined.

Michael Bay made a Transformers movie with a story that actually makes sense?!

Oh, god no. There’s a ton of story, as our review pointed out, but maybe a quarter of it drunkenly follows what could charitably called “the plot.” And virtually nothing whatsoever connects to the previous films, unless you consider “constantly contradicting them” to be a connection.

Why can’t Michael Bay keep track of the canon of his own four films?

I have a theory. You know how babies’ brains haven’t developed, so whenever their parents wander directly out of their eyesight, they start crying because they assume their parents, having disappeared from view, must be gone forever?

Yeah…

It’s called object permanence, and Michael Bay doesn’t have it either. Once he is done with a Transformers movie, he completely forgets everything that’s happened in it, and he starts the next one with his brain as smooth as a baby’s bottom. It’s the reason why the Transformers are always hunting for a new dumb object that is the most important thing in the universe that no one has ever mentioned before, why Megatron sometimes dies but is suddenly fine in the next movie, why after the Autobots save the Earth in very public ways all Transformers are always being hunted when the next film starts, and why humans keep making dumb, dumb, dumb partnerships with the Decepticons even though the Decepticons keeps trying to kill humanity every. Single. Time.

All of which happens in The Last Knight, of course.

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