Objective LSU/Clemson breakdown (sarcasm for you serious ranters)

The No. 8 LSU Fighting Tigers (10-2, 6-2 SEC) conclude a solid if not disappointing season tonight against No. 14 Clemson (10-2, ACC record is meaningless) in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. The contest kicks off at 7:30 p.m. in Atlanta, the unofficial capital of the Southeastern Conference and a melting pot of college football fandom.

The Georgia Dome has been friendly to the Tigers from Baton Rouge through the years. LSU is 9-1 in the venue and 5-0 in the Chick-fil-A Bowl f/k/a the Peach Bowl. With a win over Clemson, LSU head coach Les Miles will have won at least 11 games for the sixth time in eight seasons on the bayou. Against non-conference foes, LSU carries a 36-1 record under Les Miles and looks to claim its 23rd all time bowl victory, 8th-most in the history of college football.

But who really cares if LSU isn’t playing for it all, right? Let’s jettison the stats, remove our purple-and-gold glasses, and objectively compare the LSU and Clemson football programs heading into tonight’s Chick-fil-A Bowl. Here is an honest, unbiased look at these teams considering several on and off-field factors:

Mascots: Both teams are called the Tigers. Huge advantage LSU.

Australian punters: LSU has an Australian punter who was suspended for this game because of a failed drug test. Clemson does not have an Australian punter, much less one who was suspended for failing a drug test. Advantage: LSU.

Second-string Australian punters: LSU has a backup Australian punter who will start in place for a suspended Australian punter. Clemson does not have an Australian punter, much less a second-string Australian punter who will start in place for a suspended Australian punter. Advantage: LSU.

Quarterbacks: Clemson quarterback Tajh Boyd was named a first-team All-American. LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger had a few good games this year. Advantage: LSU.

Meat-eating contest: At a Brazilian steakhouse a few days ago and as part of the bowl festivities, LSU players ate 624 pounds of meat. Clemson ate 454. Advantage: LSU.

Offenses: Clemson’s explosive offense averages 518 yards a game. LSU’s somewhat frustrating offense averages 387 yards a game. Advantage: LSU.

Golf courses: I’ve actually played Clemson’s golf course. It’s fantastic. Beautiful lake vistas, top-notch conditions, and a signature hole with a green surrounded by bunkers to look like Clemson’s “tiger paw” logo. I’ve never played LSU’s course but a friend says it’s alright. Advantage: LSU.

Colorful history: Louisiana Governor Huey Long was so obsessed with LSU football that he was known to call plays from the stands. No South Carolina governor has ever called Clemson’s plays from the stands. Advantage: LSU.

Stadiums: Clemson’s stadium is nicknamed Death Valley. LSU’s stadium is nicknamed Death Valley. Huge advantage LSU.

Defenses: LSU’s defense is bad arse. Clemson’s defense is dog mess. Advantage: LSU.

Academics: Not sure what Clemson is known for academically, but LSU is commonly referred to as “the Harvard of the South” due to its highly-selective admissions process and rigorous academic standards. Advantage: LSU.

Coaching: LSU head coach Les Miles and Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney are goofballs who somehow win in spite of themselves. Advantage: LSU.

College towns: Baton Rouge is the best place in the world for seven Saturdays each fall. Otherwise, it pretty much sucks. Clemson is a wonderful college town nestled in the foothills of upstate South Carolina, has an idyllic setting on a pristine lake, and has garnered national acclaim for its cultural amenities. Advantage: LSU.

Team colors: LSU’s purple-and-gold ensemble is woven into the fabric of life in Louisiana and harkens back to traditional Mardi Gras colors. Fifteen minutes of in-depth research on Clemson’s athletic website revealed no good reason for the tacky color choices of purple and orange. Advantage: LSU.

Player’s names: LSU has a player named Barkevious. Clemson doesn’t. Advantage: LSU.

Fans: LSU fans are drunken coonasses from Looziana whose happiness hinges on the success of the Tigers. Clemson fans are drunken rednecks from Sakerlina whose happiness hinges on the success of the Tigers. Advantage: LSU.

So, there you have it. An unbiased look at LSU and Clemson before the squads close out 2012 in tonight’s Chick-fil-A Bowl. Objectively speaking, here’s a prediction about what will transpire in Atlanta:

LSU 38
Clemson 17

Geaux Tigers!

Happy New Year, thanks for the opportunity to share some SEC/LSU banter, and talk to you next season.

Follow me on Twitter @SECbanter