CNN Announces Chris Cuomo Replacement

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CNN’s 40-year streak of being honorable and trustworthy ended this weekend when the network announced Chris Cuomo has been fired for repeatedly being not black or gay.

Thankfully, the always-classy Anthony Weiner has agreed to anchor the 9 PM hour.

“You know me, I always rise to the occasion,” Weiner said on a video call while lying in bed. “CNN called me and said Chris was leaving a programming hole that needed to be filled. I agreed so quickly, I blacked out before realizing what had happened.”

All In With Anthony Weiner will begin airing tomorrow and many media elites believe this is the wholesome show America needs right now.

“Weiner will be probing to get answers to the tough questions,” President Jeffery Zucker said. “When people turn him on, I can definitely predict a bulge in the ratings. Finally, unlike Chris, Weiner has never sent any inappropriate texts. So that’s a relief.”

While the network is thrilled to welcome Weiner, there is still the bad press from the Chris Cuomo scandal in the air.

“I feel what Chris did was inappropriate. Frankly, it’s disgraceful” Jeffrey Toobin said. “If I were Chris, I’d be so humiliated. The guy’s a total jerk off who shouldn’t show his face in public. But my friend, Weiner will restore our dignity.”

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