I’m alive and thankful for my ex-wife and the doctors of St. Pat’s. (Kind of long)

I went to bed with a semi-severe stomach ache Monday night. I woke up Tuesday morning in pretty excruciating pain. I went to the kitchen to try and make coffee before I went to the bathroom but the pain got even worse so I stopped with the coffee and headed straight to the toilet.

I was doubled over in pain but managed to get my pants down and sit down. The pain intensified to the point I started feeling sick and could feel that darkness coming over me.

I came to some time later, laying on the floor with my head in pool of blood. I busted my cheek, nose and lip open on the hinge of the linen closet in front of me. I was briefly paralyzed and in severe abdominal pain.

Luckily, I always bring my phone to the toilet and saw it laying across the floor from me. I called the ex and told her to please come help me then I passed out again.

I awoke to her screams. There I was, laying on the floor with my pants down at the end of a long trail of blood. I must have tried to crawl or get up.

She called an ambulance. When they arrived, I was still in pain but more coherent. The paramedics strapped me in, loaded me up and brought me to St. Pat’s. I felt and winced at every bump in the SWLA road system along the way.

They ran several tests and CT scan of my head and abdomen. An hour later I was in emergency surgery for a perforated colon. The doctor was able to repair my colon and I was in recovery that evening.

I had a few close calls and some excitement over the next few days due to fever, elevated blood pressure (180/125 was the highest I saw) and large amounts of blood in the drain sack coming out of my abdomen.

What caused the perforation? A motherfricking wooden toothpick had traveled the entire course of my digestive tract to finally tear its way out six inches from the end of the road.

I was released today with lots of homework and have some follow up appointments. I’m thankful that I’m alive and probably even more so that I don’t of have a colostomy bag.

The culprit: