re: Dealing with Teenage daughters

Been there baw. Took me a long time to realize, I'm their Dad, not their "friend". By friend, I mean someone who tells them what they want to hear, not necessarily what they need to hear. The hardest thing is letting them go and have life teach them because it can backfire on you if you try to "control" them. By that, I don't mean not giving advice, but forcing them to go down a path you know is the right one. The challenge is asking them questions so that THEY see for themselves what you're trying to convey to them. In other words, it's from the inside out. Whereas, control is from the outside. Humans were not meant to be controlled. It always leads down a bad path. I once heard, "rules without relationship always leads to rebellion". Therefore, the goal is to cultivate a relationship of understanding why and what you're trying to say is because you love them. That takes patience. They're going to make mistakes. Be there for them. Also, LISTEN. Us baws are geared to fix things so we immediately jump into overdrive and try to offer solutions. That's ok, but listen first before blurring out what you think is the solution to fixing the problem. By listening, it will grow trust, and they'll come back when something else is wrong. After listening to them, if they don't ask for what your advice is, ask them can I tell you what I think would help? Again, it's about the relationship so they start to trust you more and come back to you again. I've made so many mistakes. I wish someone would've given me advice. But being self aware of how you're saying something or being aware how they're hearing what you're saying is critical. Will be praying for you baw. You will mess up. But admitting it and asking for forgiveness goes a long way. Remember: it's about relationship.

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Has she given you a reason not to trust her in that situation?

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It's not about her, it's about the people she wants to hang out with.

Damn, man, hate that for you but if I had the answer my life would’ve been easier. Just know that eventually she’ll be normal again. My now 19 year old lost her eva-lovin mind at 14. This is the same child that was my shadow up until that point. We went hunting/fishing together, read her stories at night, played baby dolls with her, too many manicures to count, countless softball/volleyball practices and games…then BAM, she’s possessed.

That lasted until she was turning 18 then it leveled off and increasingly we’re getting back to a normal father/daughter relationship. It’s no where near what it used to be but it’s better than what it was.


And I have two more daughters (10&3) to look forward to going through “the change”.

Brother, I feel your pain. My daughter went through a stretch during her Junior year of HS where she hated her mother. They argued all the time.

Good news is, most of them come out of it and fall back on their raising.

If she waited 17 years to tell y'all she hated you thank your lucky stars and be grateful....both our son and daughter started in with that when they were 9 or 10. I encouraged it...it was a good way to gauge where we were discipline wise since neither of them ever got in much trouble at home or at school.

Daughters are different though. You can toss a 14 year old boy out in the street and no one wants him around the place between the appetite and the smell....on the other hand far too many people would gladly take in a 14 year old daughter. Completely different techniques.

Finally there is no meaner animal on the planet than a 14 year old girl. A wolverine or a honey badger would drop like it had been shot point blank with a .50 caliber from just the eye rolling alone. Once that 14 year old opened her mouth and started telling that critter what she thought of it the damned thing would disintegrate like cotton candy in a toddlers mouth...they would not stand a chance. I have a 14 year old daughter at home and their is a pack of 4-6 of the damned things at our house daily. The things they say to one another is the most demented and cruel shite ever uttered by one human being to another....and thats what they say to one another..the things they say about people who aren't around will kill kudzu....

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Me and her mom pay for both, so I remind her neither are really hers, and ours to take or give at our discretion.

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I reminded my son and remind my daughter every day that the roof over their heads and the food in their bellies is the result of their mother and my hard work and kindness. I am of the opinion that the goal of raising a child is to get them to a level of self sufficiency that allows them some autonomy. They have none while living off the labor of their parents. I am not mean about it, I usually do it in a joking manner, but the message is clear....the only thing that keeps them housed and fed is their parents kindness. They are not entitled to a damned thing...all you have to do is remind them of the shite their friends put up with out of THEIR parents....like physical abuse, having to live with grandparents because their parents are too sorry to raise them, that sort of thing. It has worked well, our son is off the pay roll and has been self sufficient, more or less, since graduating college and our daughter, other than saying mean shite to her mama and her friends, makes the honor roll every report card (no great feat in public schools today) and wants to be a nurse when she is grown. More telling is the fact that at various times both of them have asked us to adopt kids they know who are in a bad situation because they appreciate what we do for them. That is the most gratifying thing in the world when your kid asks you to take in another kid to better that kids lot in life.

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don’t realize what they say hurts deep

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Yes they do...they do with malice and forethought. Giving them a pass based on assuming they know not what they do merely gives them a reason to continue doing it. The easiest way to stop it is to let them know that their words have absolutely no meaning. When they tell you they hate you, and they will, let them know that it makes no difference in the situation at hand...you are the parent, they are a child, and until such time as they are self sufficient they will do your bidding, period, and when they do not or balk at doing so there will be consequences such as no car, no ride to the skating rink, no money, no phone, no internet. And do not EVER give in. The happiest I ever get in life is when my daughter tells her friends "there is no reason to ask daddy again, he is not mama, he will not change his mind". I know I have done something correct. It may seem mean or uncaring but I really don't care what my kids opinion of me and my decisions are, they are made by half the bread winners in our family, and until you are paying the bills your words are just that, words.

If she graduated high school and is about to be 18 I would give her pretty big reins to run her life.

Hard to be an adult and have your parents telling you what you can and can't do.

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You just cockblocked some poor baw from a threesome.

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Yeah but at least he won't have to go to prison for killing one of those frickers.

His daughter may be 17 but she sure as hell isn't mature yet.

She'll be an adult...no reigns dawg whether you want them there or not.

—reins. If she lives at home for free, the parents can def tell her how to behave.