bright young woman writes about Russia and Ukraine... in 2014

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I’m sure a lot of you feel the exact same way they do. Revolutions, invasions, economic sanctions – this is a lot to take in, and it’s extremely important that you have an opinion on it all, because this is a global event and you’re a smart person with a lot of good opinions. It’s okay, breathe. While the conflict may be confusing at first, it can also be over simplified and dumbed down so that anyone can understand it.

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Ukraine’s former president was too much in favor of relations with Russia, a country that you might know as the country that hates gay people. Russia is filled with bad guys. They aren’t about social justice, and that’s all you really need to know to form an opinion on Russia.

Ukraine, however, has a complicated relationship with Russia. The two countries used to be members of the Soviet Union, which is way too complicated for you to understand, so just think of it like this – Russia and Ukraine used to be in a pretty serious relationship. In the 1990s (Doug, Rugrats), the Soviet Union disbanded, and Russia and Ukraine didn’t break up per se, but the lease was up on their apartment and they had to rethink their relationship and spend some time apart.

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But, Russia is no longer respecting Ukraine’s sovereignty. Russia keeps saying it’s going to do one thing, but then it does the opposite. Russia is being such a guy right now, ugh.

You see, there’s a significant population of ethnic Russians in Ukraine. I know, I know – you’re saying, “Ethnic??? None of these people look ethnic!” It’s kind of hard to explain, but when a country doesn’t have any black people, some of the white people are considered ethnic. So, for now, just hang tight and accept that the Russians in Ukraine are PoC.

That large population is mostly centered in Crimea, which is a peninsula in the south of Ukraine. Don’t let the name fool you, peninsula actually has nothing to do with gender. A peninsula is like an island, but it’s attached to a larger land mass on one side. It’s kind of like the geographical equivalent of being in your twenties, you’re almost entirely independent, except for the fact that your parents cover most of your financial burdens and you always have them to fall back on in the event that you become flooded with adulthood. You’re a peninsula.

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So now, the United States, who helped Ukraine move out, is put in a tricky situation. You see, Russia and the United States are considered “superpowers.” They’re basically like the alpha bros of the world, and they’ve spent a lot of time checking each other’s masculinity. Unfortunately though, the United States has recently been identifying as a male feminist and demonstrating its courage using nothing more than tough but empty language and shame. This does not work on Russia, who has called the United States’ bluff and will do whatever it pleases in Ukraine. As far as Russia is concerned, the US is only respecting Ukraine’s sovereignty because the US saw an opportunity to hook up with Ukraine after its recent revolution, and Russia will be damned if it’s going to let the US pull that male feminist niceguy bullshite and frick it’s ex-girlfriend. Russia is getting its dog back and the US is left to blog and whine on behalf of Ukraine because as much as the US would like to gently frick Ukraine, it’s not worth a confrontation with Russia.

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