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Posted by
Message
10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Posted by goofball
on 8/30/22 at 1:23 pm
29
16quote:
10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Babylon Bee
quote:
Here are ten other drastic — and dare we say promising — steps CNN is taking to turn around the network:
Cut back to showing Jan 6th footage just 19 hours a day: That leaves 5 whole hours for other interesting stuff!
Display the party affiliation and voting record of every anchor on screen: Hey — that's actually a good idea!
Limit sexual assaults to non-work hours and weekends: CNN will no longer pay its talent to molest people. Progress!
Hire Alex Jones for the 8 pm slot: More accurate than Brian Stelter! And followed by Joe Rogan at 9!
All anchors will have to deliver the news while competing in a soap suds-covered Wipeout course: NOW, we're talkin'! Also, Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper will be forced to wear those giant inflatable sumo wrestler suits. Must-see TV!
Move Wolf Blitzer's show into... SPAAAAACE!!!!: We look forward to seeing Wolf's weird holograms again.
Win over the Jr. High demo by renaming the network to PEE-NN: HA! And Anderson Cooper's name is now Anderson POOPER! BURN!
All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.
A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!
Report the real news for a change: Or at least take an extra 60 seconds before publication to check whether the story is completely made up or not.
quote:
A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!
The OT would actually watch this.
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by WMTigerFAN 
on 8/30/22 at 1:42 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 1:42 pm to goofballQuit the analysis. Just cover News as it is occurring and quit trying to interpret it. You're not good at it and it's costing you millions and millions of dollars. Just cover the news. No more political commentary. No more attempts at character or political assassination, no more "how does that make you feel?" questions. Just cover the damn news. There's plenty out there.
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by Mike the Tiger 1999 
on 8/30/22 at 2:01 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 2:01 pm to goofballnew slogan
CNN: we're not fake news; we're real propaganda
CNN: we're not fake news; we're real propaganda
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by OK Roughneck 
on 8/30/22 at 2:21 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 2:21 pm to goofballHow about just one change and everyone working for CNN just off themselves. 
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re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by Oilfieldbiology on 8/30/22 at 2:24 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 2:24 pm to goofballI know it’s satire and not everything can be a home run, but I feel like this one is really meh
quote:
All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.
I love this one.
opps, junkfunky beat me to it.
This post was edited on 8/30 at 2:36 pm
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by O P Walker 
on 8/30/22 at 3:07 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 3:07 pm to goofballBoomer Board
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by Klark Kent on 8/30/22 at 3:33 pm to O P Walker
on 8/30/22 at 3:33 pm to O P Walkeryou seem to have forgotten this isn’t Reddit
quote:
A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by siberian tiger on 8/30/22 at 4:12 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 4:12 pm to goofballDon’t be like Faux News
re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back ViewersPosted by Reservoir dawg 
on 8/30/22 at 8:42 pm to goofball
on 8/30/22 at 8:42 pm to goofballWhatever happened to Robin Meade?
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