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goofball
Navy Fan
Member since Mar 2015
16112 posts

10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers

quote:

10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers



Babylon Bee


quote:

Here are ten other drastic — and dare we say promising — steps CNN is taking to turn around the network:

Cut back to showing Jan 6th footage just 19 hours a day: That leaves 5 whole hours for other interesting stuff!

Display the party affiliation and voting record of every anchor on screen: Hey — that's actually a good idea!

Limit sexual assaults to non-work hours and weekends: CNN will no longer pay its talent to molest people. Progress!

Hire Alex Jones for the 8 pm slot: More accurate than Brian Stelter! And followed by Joe Rogan at 9!

All anchors will have to deliver the news while competing in a soap suds-covered Wipeout course: NOW, we're talkin'! Also, Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper will be forced to wear those giant inflatable sumo wrestler suits. Must-see TV!

Move Wolf Blitzer's show into... SPAAAAACE!!!!: We look forward to seeing Wolf's weird holograms again.

Win over the Jr. High demo by renaming the network to PEE-NN: HA! And Anderson Cooper's name is now Anderson POOPER! BURN!

All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.

A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!

Report the real news for a change: Or at least take an extra 60 seconds before publication to check whether the story is completely made up or not.


Shexter
Prairieville
Member since Feb 2014
11455 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
11. Change name to FOX


beerJeep
LSU Fan
Louisiana
Member since Nov 2016
32851 posts
 Online 

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Fwd to 10 people in the next 30 min or you’ll get the Covid!


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182
dewster
LSU Fan
Chicago
Member since Aug 2006
23703 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

Limit sexual assaults to non-work hours and weekends:


Always helpful to limit sexual assaults.


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40
PeteRose
LSU Fan
Hall of Fame
Member since Aug 2014
15658 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

. Change name to FOX


all these news channels suck.


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161
dewster
LSU Fan
Chicago
Member since Aug 2006
23703 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!


The OT would actually watch this.


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70
WMTigerFAN
LSU Fan
Ouachita
Member since Feb 2005
4049 posts
 Online 

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Quit the analysis. Just cover News as it is occurring and quit trying to interpret it. You're not good at it and it's costing you millions and millions of dollars. Just cover the news. No more political commentary. No more attempts at character or political assassination, no more "how does that make you feel?" questions. Just cover the damn news. There's plenty out there.


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112
Mike the Tiger 1999
Boston College Fan
Weston, Florida
Member since Jul 2009
1160 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
new slogan

CNN: we're not fake news; we're real propaganda


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121
junkfunky
LSU Fan
Member since Jan 2011
32431 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.




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21
OK Roughneck
Oklahoma Fan
The Sooner State
Member since Aug 2021
3160 posts
 Online 

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
How about just one change and everyone working for CNN just off themselves.


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52
TD SponsorTD Fan
USA
Member since 2001
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Oilfieldbiology
LSU Fan
Member since Nov 2016
33325 posts
 Online 

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
I know it’s satire and not everything can be a home run, but I feel like this one is really meh


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33
LSU2NO
LSU Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Oct 2007
1876 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.


I love this one.

opps, junkfunky beat me to it.
This post was edited on 8/30 at 2:36 pm


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O P Walker
US Army Fan
Birmingham
Member since Oct 2018
451 posts
 Online 

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Boomer Board


Klark Kent
LSU Fan
Houston via BR
Member since Jan 2008
62255 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
you seem to have forgotten this isn’t Reddit


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12
dgnx6
Atlanta Braves Fan
Baton Rouge
Member since Feb 2006
58187 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

11. Change name to FOX



I’m going to let y’all know fox is hot fricking garbage as well.



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50
CAD703X
US Space Force Fan
Liberty Island
Member since Jul 2008
74286 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
quote:

A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!


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11
siberian tiger
LSU Fan
the Hammer
Member since Jan 2004
361 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Don’t be like Faux News


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13
Tridentds
Texas A&M Fan
Sugar Land
Member since Aug 2011
17825 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Just need to make one change. Tell the truth. '

All the rest will take of itself.


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20
Reservoir dawg
Mississippi St. Fan
Member since Oct 2013
13085 posts

re: 10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Whatever happened to Robin Meade?


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