The Unknown Writer - Arkansas Edition

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After New York Yankee Hall of Famer Lou Gehrig was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, ALS became known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. And so it is with bielema, a rare eating disorder named after Arkansas football coach, Brett Bielema, who was diagnosed with the disease in pre-school when he skipped nap time to eat a classmate. “I know bulimia is no laughing matter,” said the Arkansas coach, shoving three Tiger-dogs into his face-hole, “but bielema isn’t so bad. We eat everything in sight, we never purge, we make millions of dollars, and we don’t have to win much. I’m surprised they didn’t name the disease after Charlie Weis!” In previous reports, I referred to football analyst Brock Huard as Admiral Ackbar simply because he has an eye on each side of his head. But Huard has nothing on play-by-play announcer, Jason Benetti, whose uncanny resemblance to Marty Feldman had me wishing I were an ESPN executive who could withhold Benetti’s paycheck if he refused to wear a prosthetic hump beneath a hooded cloak. The poor fellow’s right eye isn’t merely wandering or lazy. It’s a deadbeat drifter on welfare. When the analysis turned to defensive “eye disclipline” as a way to combat Matt Canada’s “eye candy” offense, I was so embarrassed I covered my head with a blanket, Linus-style. Benetti’s partner in the booth was color commmentator Kelly Stouffer. There’s something wrong with Stouffer. Terribly wrong. At first I attributed his nonstop, high pitched, high volume blather to methamphetamines, but Stouffer talked about food too much to be a meth addict. First, he spoke of tormenting Mike the Tiger by eating chicken in front of Mike’s enclosure. Then he talked about Coach O eating all of his children’s coleslaw. Then there was talk of more chicken, french fries, and Cheetos. No, this guy isn’t a speed freak. He’s an incipient bielemic. When Stouffer wasn’t highlighting Benetti’s gaffes, he made keen observations like “The game is made of two halves.” I was surprised he didn’t tell us the game has four quarters. He also gave parental advice like “If your child is going to be a corner, name him Greedy.” I imagined Stouffer’s parents listening to that nugget and thinking: If we had known what you’d become, son, we wouldn’t have named you Kelly. We would have named you Windbag Von Dipshit. Stouffer also made it clear he is decidedly Anti-Comfort. LSU placekicker Connor Culp missed a short field goal and two extra points. After the second botched PAT attempt, Derrius Guice and other teammates went over to Culp, put an arm over his shoulders, and spoke words of encouragement. Stouffer was having none of it. He remembered how much he despised being consoled when, during his quarterbacking career, he threw an interception or blew a game. Having seen Stouffer play, I knew he had plenty of experience with unwanted consolation. But I understand Stouffer’s position, at least in the context of a football game. Culp’s teammates didn’t want to comfort him so much as they wanted to teach him proper technique by kicking him squarely in the balls. As for the game itself, LSU was lethargic in the first half, better in the second. For its part, Arkansas was dreadful in both halves. And if not for the Laws of Stoufferian Mathematics, the Razorbacks would have been awful for three halves. Arkansas just isn’t good this year. As poorly as the Tigers played in the first half, the final score would have been more lopsided if Donte Jackson could catch, if Danny Etling could hit wide open receivers on short routes, if the open-field tackling was better, and if Connor Culp hadn’t developed a nasty case of leg yips. I’m sorry there weren’t many Arkansas fans at the game this year. I enjoy watching them show up wearing their hog snouts. I also like it when they wear those red, plastic pig-nose masks. But I’m content in the knowledge LSU will retain possession of the Golden Boot, the ugliest, bulkiest trophy in college sports. I’m also glad that, when I was born, my parents didn’t know what I’d become. Can you imagine going through life with a name like Snarky McLoser Johnson?

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