Dodgers Purchase 2nd World Series Victory

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TORONTO — One of the largest and riskiest investments paid off late Saturday night, as the Los Angeles Dodgers successfully purchased their second World Series victory in as many years.

The attempt to complete the purchase was put in jeopardy by the upstart Toronto Blue Jays, but the Dodgers' front office remained confident that their amazing achievement of spending more money than all the other teams would pay off.

"Money well spent," said Dodgers Executive Vice President and General Manager Braqondon Gomes. "It looked a little touch-and-go there for a bit, but thankfully, all the hard work we put in during the offseason writing checks ended up making the difference. We'll enjoy this win as much as we can, and then we'll get back to the drawing board and start the process of buying another World Series next year."

The Dodgers defeated the Blue Jays in extra innings in Game 7 to take the championship, helped partially by some outstanding clutch plays but mostly due to how much more they were willing to pay their players. "I'd like to thank God and the dude who signs my paychecks," said star slugger Shohei Ohtani through a translator. "While it's true that money can't buy you happiness, it can definitely buy some World Series rings. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go celebrate this victory by torching a few hundred thousand dollars with a flamethrower. Because it's nothing to me."

At publishing time, President Donald Trump had called the Dodgers to simultaneously congratulate them on defeating Canada and notify them that half their roster was being deported.

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