ESPN Releases Their ‘Bottom 10' College Football Rankings

As everyone discusses who should be in the CFB Playoff, ESPN releases their "Bottom 10" Rankings...

1. Akron
The Zips had their Bottom 10 hay in the barn a full week early, as the only winless FBS team dropped its season finale versus Ohio one week ago. Thus, the committee felt very confident in its decision to go on and write their name into the top bottom spot in Sharpie. Then Secretary Albright pointed out that Akron has the same number of wins over AP Top 25 opponents this season as Alabama, Clemson and Utah. After several minutes of stunned silence, Jerry Glanville went, "DUNH DUNH DUNNNNNNH!"

2. UMass
The committee agreed that the Minutemen might actually be the worst team in the nation. Over the final half of the season, they went 0-7 while limiting their opponents to 56.5 points and 583 yards of offense per game. Those seven games included contests with Bottom 10 stalwart UConn and Bottom 10 flirts FI(notA)U, North by Northwestern and Army. BUT, the game they played before those seven was a head-to-head win over Akron. So, Akron loses, even if the committee believes that if these two teams played today, Akron would win. The committee also believes that if we could go back in time and replay the Sept. 28 contest, Akron would win that too. But we can't. Even though the port-a-john we were sitting in looked like Doctor Who's time travel thingy.

3. UTEP
Over the past several seasons, the Bottom 10 Selection Committee has watched the UTEP-Rice game together. In the past, that game was the de facto Bottom 10 championship, and it has provided us with some memorable meeting moments. Who can forget 2017, when we had to rush former committee member Dan Hawkins to the ER because he tried to cook a pot of Rice with a UTEP pickax? Good times.

4. Old Dominion
The Monarchs close out our would-be Bottom 10 Playoff Four, and this matchup feels like a no-brainer: UTEP finished last in Conference USA West, and ODU finished last in C-USA East, both with 1-11 records. This game should be played this Saturday during halftime of the C-USA championship game at FAU, like when you go to an NFL game and they bring out the local Pop Warner teams to play a 10-minute exhibition.

5. Ole Miss
Everybody sing along with me now! How much is that doggie in the end zone? The one with the waggly leg. How much is that doggie in the end zone? I do hope that doggie's for sale ... By the way, Patti Page, the answer is: 15 yards, a big egg-shaped trophy and a buyout of $17 million.

6. UConn
The committee's discussion of Connecticut was very frustrating. Every time anyone mentioned head coach Randy Edsall and his bonus-heavy contract, Charlie Weis would reflexively leap to his feet, clap and shout, "My man!"

7. Rutgers
Rutgers closed out its season-long celebration of the 150th anniversary of college football by scoring the same number of points in its last game as it did in its first. On Nov. 9, 1869, Rutgers defeated Princeton 6-4. On Nov. 30, 2019, Rutgers lost to Penn State 27-6. The next day, Rutgers announced the rehiring of Greg Schiano, one week after it had failed to hire him on the first try. When the news broke, Weis exclaimed, "So, he's going to get paid, but also has to coach the team? What a sucker."

8. New Mexico State
The Other Aggies won two of their last three games, which put the committee into a bit of a conundrum. Their biggest rival, New Mexico, also finished 2-10, lost its last nine straight and cut head coach Bob Davie. But the last of those two wins was against New Mexico State, and State's two wins were over UTEP and Incarnate Word. So, State got the edge -- or more accurately, lost the edge, and got this spot. When we realized Davie was receiving an $800,000 buyout, we again looked to Weis, a fellow former Notre Dame head coach, but he was taking a nap on a mattress stuffed with hundos.

9. Arkansas
The Hogs lost the SEC Head Coach Disappearance Bowl three weeks after their coach was let go. The following day, Missouri did the same. We looked to Charlie Weis for some perspective, but he told us that we had already used Charlie Weis jokes way too many times in these rankings, and he was right.


10. South Alabama
Speaking of the Natural State, the South Alabama Redundancies closed out the year with an upset victory over Arkansas State, so the committee felt a little guilty about leaving the Jags in these rankings. (We also felt a little guilty for not realizing until now that Arkansas is called the Natural State.) However, when we looked in the Trapper Keeper that contains the Bottom 10 bylaws, we discovered that we are legally bound to include at least one Fun Belt team in the final Bottom 10. That, and once Coach Glanville realized that the school's abbreviation is USA, he blocked the door and kept screaming, "These colors don't run!" until we relented.

Waiting List: Minute Rice (3-9), NC State Ish (4-8), Kansas Mad Hatters (3-9), Maryland Terrible-pins (3-9), (Not) New Mexico (State But Close) (2-10), the Vanderbilt team that lost to UNLV (3-9), Boiling Green (3-9), substitution infraction blame deflection, phony CFP disrespect speeches, congealed canned cranberry sauce.