re: Cant stand this guy in my new GF's social circle

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Use the art of ignore. There is an art to ignoring someone without letting everyone else know you are ignoring them. You master that, and your new gf will like you even more. Jealousy and insecurity turn a girl off.

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Any pointers on this "art of ignore"? I always try to use it, but I frick it up because I think I might be too obvious.

He should get an environmental type tatoo probably on shoulder though.

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USMCTiger03

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Option 5: The social gambit

Open yourself up to some light-hearted criticism. Invite it and then laugh at yourself. This will endear you to the entire group, and make you seem more comfortable with yourself in an awkward situation. Everyone likes someone who can laugh at themselves, and nobody likes someone who takes themselves too seriously.

And if the opponent chooses this moment to attack, he will only come across looking like an a-hole to his own friends, and, more importantly, your GF.

If it is a showoff in a bar, talk to everyone else. Spin off a small group that minimizes the showoff's audience. If he speaks to do you directly, answer politely (to hide the fact that you are ignoring him). Don't talk about him or what he said afterwards.

Think of the guy as Al Sharpton: If everyone (esp. the media) would ignore him, he would have no power.

I'm not reading all 19 pages, but if you want to stay with your gf, you gotta get over it. You're the new guy and your gf has been friends with this dude for a long time. She's going to think you are just jealous of him, or something.

When you finally do just break up with her, make sure to remind her that that guy will never marry her, and no one else will either as long as he's around. Enjoy the cats and being referred to as the Weird Aunt.

A lot of people have already correctly advised you to not try to out alpha the alpha; you're on his turf and he holds most of the cards, so it's too hard to win that one head on. This is especially true if you aren't naturally a fighter (verbally or physically)... and I don't think you are. You strike me as more idea/ideal driven.

The second thing many have correctly advised, imho, is that you have to be yourself. This is truly the most important thing. Anytime you allow someone else to make you feel un-grounded / not yourself, you are giving them power over you. And that is a large part of your problem in this situation. You see the influence the other guy wields over others socially, the attention he commands over your gf; you sense him outshining you and you feel powerless. But as stated above, it's unlikely you can take him on directly, anyway, and to do so would take more effort than it's worth... unless you're able to quickly dig up dirt and get him fired, like someone suggested.

The only thing you can really control is you. Next time you have to hang out with that crowd, when the other guy starts spinning yarns and sucking everyone in, you just have to check yourself before he un-hinges you. Either start a conversation with your girlfriend or whoever is sitting on the other side of you, or excuse yourself to the bathroom or bar and start small talk with someone else. You'll keep your cool that way and will be in control. And if you're away from the group long enough, your girl may take a greater interest in you when you return (as opposed to the you that would have been sitting on his hands next to her)... though I do not advocate your disappearing as a way of getting her attention-- that would be a passive aggressive / feminine game. But you can and should go walk-about to stimulate your mind and find something in which you can actively participate if sitting there as an outsider makes you passive and unhappy. That is fine. And it gives you a chance of expanding your own social circle while having the safety net of your girlfriend and her friends nearby. Your friends can even be a part of your banter at that point to whoever else you might speak with... you can't point over to them and say how the guy is cool, but you've heard enough about the ecological impact of ____ for now.

On pg 12, When in Rome and Pettifogger gave you a couple of well intended jabs about not having proper depth of character and I think they're both right. But in fairness, you haven't ducked any criticisms, have seemed open minded and have even admitted some weaknesses (past insecurity, etc.). And that does show some level of comfort with yourself, which is something to build on.

Also, in fairness, it hasn't escaped me that you haven't been wherever you are for very long. It is easy for people to say be social, hang with your buds, etc. from a perspective of being in an area with many friends and having well worn routines to fall back on. Under those circumstances, it's easier to slow down the gravity of getting sucked into your girlfriend's orbit by balancing that with time with friends. You don't have that luxury. You haven't been there long enough to have that many friends and your social routine had been filled with dating many girls. Now that you're exclusive-- without friends in the areas or social routines-- it will naturally make you uncomfortably reliant on your girlfriend. That is tough. I'm not just saying this just to empathize with you... I'm saying it to warn you: your girlfriend apparently has a stronger social network than you so is free to take her time letting her relationship with you mature; you have kind of given up your whole social life already to be with her (since your social life was dating). You need to recognize this and understand it might make you want to get serious more quickly than her and that will likely turn her off quickly.

The paragraph above is a part of you not having proper depth. And it may be part of why you may be great one on one conversationally, but have some trouble in her group: much of your social existence in that town is dating other girls, and that limits the stories you can tell her and her friends.

If you don't have many friends, you would do well to start developing some hobbies to give yourself some depth an balance. And I recommend you actively-- not passively-- develop some interests. Don't just go watch a sporting event-- play a sport. Don't just go to concerts-- play an instrument. Not only will this serve the purpose of making you potentially less clingy (I'm not saying you are... yet, but you have had to give something up more than she has already and are more isolated), it will enhance your sense of self, should broaden your own network of friends and acquaintances, and simply make you more interesting. It may even give you one of the things you want right now... some things to talk about when you're with her social circle (how you hiked a mountain, met some cool musicians, biked through some area and found a cool little town, etc.)

One question: you've dated the girl 8 weeks & 2 weeks exclusively. Has her chatter about the other guy remained consistent during that time, or did it increase at some point as she became more comfortable with you? If you joke that he is awesome and that if you were gay, you'd be all over him (... maybe after Eric Decker), she might take the hint. Or, if she says something about something he's doing, say something like, "I'm less interested in what he's doing than what you're doing." This re-direct is also genuinely flattering to her.

You should really avoid making a big deal or taking much of a stand over this, but if a line ever does have to be drawn, be direct and not emotional about it, as Enadious suggests. Do not let her turn this point into a fight-- she'll quickly turn it into a fight about your insecurities and will evade reason and will tear you down with indirect attacks. Just say the guy is charming enough and fine in small doses, but his love of himself is a bit tiring and just don't like to keep hearing about him all the time... if she wants to dig and discuss the root of your feelings-- do not do it!!! She'll turn the tables on you and tell you what you already know: she chooses to be with you, not him, she's surprised at your insecurity and lack of trust, etc. As to whether you can really trust her or not, that is truly your decision, but if you value your relationship with her, avoid this fight because you're not going to win it. You have zero proof of anything she's done wrong and she's not going to stand in front of you and fight fair.

Holy Novel

If there was ever a post that warranted a "tl:dr" it's yours