During the national anthem, how do you place your hand?

...when supporting the greatest country on Earth.

Below we have an example of possible positions, discussed from left to right:

1. In position 1 we see the classic nipple cop. It is position in which one cops a feel on their own nipple. Notice the forefinger and the middle finger splayed out around the approximate area of the areola. Good form. This man likely has nipples of an approximate diameter of 2 cm, or .787 inches in freedom units. This man's Jimmy Fallon look-alike game is also on point.

2. In position 2 we see the alternate-dimension version of an Eddie Stewart who was never able to live up to his military father's expectations and fell into crippling alcoholism after his playing career ended. He displays the classic "hand over heart/USMNT crest in a way that betrays his still-hidden desire to please his Absent-American father" position. This position is quite popular these days, especially with our Germericans.

3. In position 3 we see the team physician, content to practice his mitral area, or apex, palpation. Were he to turn himself onto his left flank, said palpation would be more easily induced, especially if one were to have congenital left ventricular hypertrophy, as is not too uncommonly found in young athletes who undergo pre-contract-signing medical screenings by a licensed cardiologist.

4. Lastly we have Richie Williams, who assumes the most ideal position of "palm-equally-over-heart-and-crest," albeit with a diminished altitude.



I normally do pose 4, while belting out the greatest anthem that this planet has ever known.




































Whiskey and a grilled cheese sandwich.