re: TD Music Board Original CopyPasta Thread

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To preface: I'm 17, was fairly mentally sound before this experience although I was seeing a therapist for anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Sorry about the wall of text. You don't need to read it, it just feels good to write it down. 6 months ago I decided that I would take a small amount of shrooms and go for a walk in some freshly fallen snow after returning home from school. I ate approx. .5 grams that I had acquired from a friend and set out through my neighborhood. Now I had tripped twice before this, once on 1 gram and once on 5. Both of those experiences were wonderful and I expected nothing less from this one. I mean .5 is hardly anything compared to 5 grams right? Wrong. Not when your friend makes a mistake when informing you what strain they are. So I unknowingly ingested around 3 or so grams worth of shrooms when I expected a mere minor change in headspace. Long story short, I had a panic attack during the come up and was left disoriented and frightened. Got lost, got caught by parents and ultimately had a train wreck of a night. But surprisingly, that wasn't the traumatic part of the experience. The part that still haunts me half a year later. During the peak, I felt a terror greater than anything I could ever even begin to describe. Everything I knew and loved, family, friends, memories, everything, was torn away. All was lost. All was hollow. I became the only conscious being in existence and the room around me existed as nothing more than a facade, covering up incomprehensible emptiness. This was a theme I had experienced in the prior trips but I never read too much into it however this time, being so vulnerable, I was unable to face it nor push it away. I broke down, I simply couldn't stand it, I distracted myself in every way possible until I eventually came down and went to sleep. Well, it didn't go away. Derealization, hourly panic attacks, suicidal depression, cutting, all this resulted from a trip that was too overwhelming to face. I dropped out of school for a month, was in and out of the ER for suicide attempts, was put on Seroquel, Celexa, and Ativan. Nothing helped. I spent 3 weeks living in an inpatient home and have tried several other different antidepressants over the course of the last 6 months. I was living in pure hell. The feelings of hollowness and detachment have still not broken. I even lost my virginity during this period and felt absolutely nothing. Friendships and relationships have been destroyed, my family has pretty much given up hope on me. I was a straight A student until this happened and now my parents figure I'll be lucky to get a job as a cashier because of my emotional instability. I haven't done anything hallucinogenic since that bad trip, however I have smoked weed on occasion (I've given it up as it makes anxiety worse) and I don't plan on it so please don't advise me to "trip again." I recently stopped Prozac and Ativan and have been doing surprisingly well. None of these medications did anything to help, they just made me more numb so I'm currently discounting them from my treatment plan. I'm seeing a therapist who is working with me on sorting out the trip as I have been diagnosed with PTSD from it. I'm posting here as a plea for help. I'm young, I have my whole life ahead of me, but at this moment in time it doesn't look too bright. I know I was stupid and irresponsible with that drug and I curse myself everyday for it. I need advice from people who are understanding, who have gone through this and who don't think I'm schizophrenic for having derealization and HPPD. How can I start life over? I realize this is a big question but I'm only looking for little answers. Things you've done to help in the darkest times that I can give a shot.

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