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Got any good jokes?
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:28 am
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:28 am
So this mailman was retiring and it was his last day on the route. He had been collecting various gifts from homes all morning long with thank you cards, best wishes, etc.
He walked up to this one house and was about to put the mail in the mail slot when the door opened. Standing there was this gorgeous young woman wearing nothing but a see-thru negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs into the bedroom where they have wild, passionate sex.
Afterwards, she leads him downstairs into the kitchen and begins fixing him breakfast. She pours him a cup of coffee, places it on the table next to him and slips a $1.00 bill underneath the coffee mug.
He looks at it, and looks up at her, bewildered, and asks, "what... what's this for?"
She replies, "Oh, yesterday I told my husband you were retiring and asked him what we should do for you.
He said 'frick him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
He walked up to this one house and was about to put the mail in the mail slot when the door opened. Standing there was this gorgeous young woman wearing nothing but a see-thru negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs into the bedroom where they have wild, passionate sex.
Afterwards, she leads him downstairs into the kitchen and begins fixing him breakfast. She pours him a cup of coffee, places it on the table next to him and slips a $1.00 bill underneath the coffee mug.
He looks at it, and looks up at her, bewildered, and asks, "what... what's this for?"
She replies, "Oh, yesterday I told my husband you were retiring and asked him what we should do for you.
He said 'frick him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
30
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:30 am to LSU Tigerhead
What do Ethiopians do on Friday nights?
Starve.
Starve.
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:32 am to stuntman
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Because they taste funny.
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:37 am to LSU Tigerhead
Did you know that princess Diana was on the radio the night she died? She was also on the dash and the windshield.
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:38 am to LSU Tigerhead
Whats the worst part about eating bald pussy? Im not giving the punchline....you sick fricks know!!!!!
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:40 am to DumbCollegeKid
A trucker traveling down the interstate happens upon what appears to be a man struggling out of the woods, all tied up and naked.
The trucker stops, and sure enough the man informs him that earlier in the day, someone had robbed him, taken everything, including his clothes, tied him up, and left him in the woods. The poor gentleman struggled for a couple hours just to loosen the ropes on his feet so he could make his way to look for help.
The trucker then took all of the rope off the poor guy, who then stood there butt naked.
"Can you help me," the poor victim begged. "What do you think?"
At that point, the trucker began to unbuckle his large belt buckle, take his belt off, and say "I think this just isn't your day..."
The trucker stops, and sure enough the man informs him that earlier in the day, someone had robbed him, taken everything, including his clothes, tied him up, and left him in the woods. The poor gentleman struggled for a couple hours just to loosen the ropes on his feet so he could make his way to look for help.
The trucker then took all of the rope off the poor guy, who then stood there butt naked.
"Can you help me," the poor victim begged. "What do you think?"
At that point, the trucker began to unbuckle his large belt buckle, take his belt off, and say "I think this just isn't your day..."
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:41 am to LSU Tigerhead
Two worms were wiggling down a dirt path.
One stops and says, "Whoa! Did you see the size of that hedgehog?"
The other replies, "No, stupid. We don't have eyes."
One stops and says, "Whoa! Did you see the size of that hedgehog?"
The other replies, "No, stupid. We don't have eyes."
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:45 am to Monday
quote:
Did you know that princess Diana was on the radio the night she died? She was also on the dash and the windshield.
wow smh
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:46 am to MauriceCheeksJr
How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not 5, because my basement is still dark.
CJK5H
Not 5, because my basement is still dark.
CJK5H
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:49 am to LSU Tigerhead
Womens Rights
Posted on 3/26/14 at 1:58 am to MauriceCheeksJr
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip!
ETA: I'd tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me.
Keep the tip!
ETA: I'd tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me.
This post was edited on 3/26/14 at 2:01 am
Posted on 3/26/14 at 2:00 am to LSU Tigerhead
James Bond's favorite bartender is Michael J. Foxx
Posted on 3/26/14 at 2:07 am to Monday
What's worse than raping Helen Keller?
Breaking her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Breaking her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Posted on 3/26/14 at 4:41 am to LSU Tigerhead
Superman and Spiderman bumped into each other one day:
Superman: Hey, Spidey!
Spiderman: Supe! What up, Dog?
Superman: Man, I had a real interesting weekend.
Spiderman: Oh, do tell, my friend.
Superman: Well, as you know, the weather was great last weekend and since I had nothing planned, I decided to fly down along the beach and enjoy some of the sights.
Spiderman: Oh, yeah.
Superman: So, after flying awhile I came to an empty stretch of beach, and when I looked down, I could hardly believe my telescopic vision. Laying there before me, in all her spectacular glory... Wonder Woman! Stark frigid naked, on her back, spread eagle, sunning herself.
Spiderman: Wow! Lucky bastard.
Superman: Tell me about it. I almost lost it right there. I quickly became aerodynamically unstable, if you know what I mean. That wasn't the landing gear coming down.
Well, as you know, she and I are good friends, and I was so damn turned on by her staggering beauty, I figured I'd just fly down and gently plant a little Krypton seed smack dab in the heart of Paradise Island. Give her a big surprise, you know. So, I did.
Spiderman: Hot damn! She must have been really surprised, eh?
Superman: Oh, yeah, she was really surprised. all right. But not nearly as surprised as the Invisiible Man.
Superman: Hey, Spidey!
Spiderman: Supe! What up, Dog?
Superman: Man, I had a real interesting weekend.
Spiderman: Oh, do tell, my friend.
Superman: Well, as you know, the weather was great last weekend and since I had nothing planned, I decided to fly down along the beach and enjoy some of the sights.
Spiderman: Oh, yeah.
Superman: So, after flying awhile I came to an empty stretch of beach, and when I looked down, I could hardly believe my telescopic vision. Laying there before me, in all her spectacular glory... Wonder Woman! Stark frigid naked, on her back, spread eagle, sunning herself.
Spiderman: Wow! Lucky bastard.
Superman: Tell me about it. I almost lost it right there. I quickly became aerodynamically unstable, if you know what I mean. That wasn't the landing gear coming down.
Well, as you know, she and I are good friends, and I was so damn turned on by her staggering beauty, I figured I'd just fly down and gently plant a little Krypton seed smack dab in the heart of Paradise Island. Give her a big surprise, you know. So, I did.
Spiderman: Hot damn! She must have been really surprised, eh?
Superman: Oh, yeah, she was really surprised. all right. But not nearly as surprised as the Invisiible Man.
Posted on 3/26/14 at 4:53 am to LSU Tigerhead
A priest, a rabbi, a duck, and Jesse Jackson walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?" :rimshot:
Posted on 3/26/14 at 4:58 am to LSU Tigerhead
Arkansas football
Posted on 3/26/14 at 5:20 am to WeBleedCrimson
quote:
Arkansas football
:rimshot:
Posted on 3/26/14 at 5:28 am to lsu_tiger_az
What's the difference between a scottish man and a Rolling Stone?
One says "Hey you get off of my cloud" the other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe".
One says "Hey you get off of my cloud" the other says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe".
Posted on 3/26/14 at 5:32 am to LSU Tigerhead
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers, like on a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender comes over and tells him that it's a very tough neighborhood and that he doesn't need any troubles from weirdos here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying around the cellular."
"Prove it!" demands the bartender. So the guy dials up a number and holds his hand up to the bartender's ear. The bartender talks into the guy's hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible." says the bartender. "I never would have believed it!"
"Yeah!" said the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, wife, you name it. By the way, where's the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room and finds the guy spread eagle against the wall, his pants down around his knees and a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my God!? said the bartender. "Did the locals do this to you?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying around the cellular."
"Prove it!" demands the bartender. So the guy dials up a number and holds his hand up to the bartender's ear. The bartender talks into the guy's hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible." says the bartender. "I never would have believed it!"
"Yeah!" said the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, wife, you name it. By the way, where's the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room and finds the guy spread eagle against the wall, his pants down around his knees and a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my God!? said the bartender. "Did the locals do this to you?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Posted on 3/26/14 at 6:37 am to LSU Tigerhead
Two southern belles sitting on a porch sipping tea.
First belle says, when I had my first child, my husband bought me this million dollar mansion."
Second belle says, " well isn't the nice."
First belle says, "when I had my second child, my husband bought me this expensive car."
Second belle says, "well, isn't that nice."
First belle says, "when I had our third child, my husband bought me this expensive ring."
Second belle says, "well isn't that nice."
First belle says, "when u had ur first child, what did ur husband buy u?"
Second belle says, "my husband sent me to charm school. I used to say frick YOU, but now I say, isn't that nice."
First belle says, when I had my first child, my husband bought me this million dollar mansion."
Second belle says, " well isn't the nice."
First belle says, "when I had my second child, my husband bought me this expensive car."
Second belle says, "well, isn't that nice."
First belle says, "when I had our third child, my husband bought me this expensive ring."
Second belle says, "well isn't that nice."
First belle says, "when u had ur first child, what did ur husband buy u?"
Second belle says, "my husband sent me to charm school. I used to say frick YOU, but now I say, isn't that nice."
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