WHY WE WIN BY 5 TD'S

ETA: REPEAT TO YOURSELF "I WILL ONLY REPOND TO POST IF I READ THE WHOLE THING."

It is NOT in the realm of possibilities that we lose today. It’s just not going to happen. For anyone to even think that we are going to win by less than FOUR TDs would be an outrageous mental lapse on their part. We are easily the best and most stacked team in the SEC (although Bama is gaining on us), so we’ll win handedly today. We are 5-0 now, and I’ve exhausted all the possibilities of how the rest of the season could play out and all I can fathom is 12-0. WHY? What a ridiculous question, BUT here is WHY:

Our defense has F#@Ked things bigger than the state of Florida on BYE weeks. I’ve seen Kelvin Shep rip a QB’s arm off in high school and then suck the guts out through the arm hole, then Shep looked down at the QB’s lifeless body and said, “OOPS.” I couldn’t make that up.

PP7. On the eighth day GOD looked at his assistant and said: “Take this down, but off the record. I want to create one person with the talents of seven on October 11, 1990.” “Which seven,” the assistant asked. “One Usain Bolts!, Two Deion Sanders!, One Randy Moss!, One African Falcon!, One Jack Bauer! and One Eddie Murphy! for personality, and allow him to break the laws of physics.” “What?!?!?!” The assistant yelled. “You’re risking the stability of the universe combining all that badassery” she hollered. “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN YOU DUMB BITCH!!!!”

TWO QUARTERBACKS. Nuff said. BUT for some of you rantards who still don’t understand: Who is the most important player on offense after the left guard? The quarterback, Right? WELL WE’VE GOT TWO. We are the only team in the SEC doubling our production at QB by having two. It’s that simple, Jack.

COACHING. I know what you’re thinking: “Here comes the sarcasm.” Well NOPE. Miles could out coach Saban in a thumb match. Saban eats ****y arse oatmeal cookies. Miles only eats two things, P#$$Y and CLOCK. Does Nick Saban speak like a stoic philosopher?? UHH NO. Yea yea, a little time management issue, but whatever. As Herbie said “Chaos is part of the game plan” and if you’re watching the clock the whole game then you’re probably missing the giant arse whipping we are distributing on the field.

Call me a daisy smelling sunshine pumping small timing rant ball – but if we don’t win tonight by 5 TD’s I’m going to start preparing for the apocalypse because it would be a sign from GOD that the world was coming to an end within the hour.

GEAUX TIGERS!!!