The 20 things that make you a doofus

20. Holding a sign with network call letters in the hopes of scoring five whole seconds of sweet, precious airtime


Dubious behavior: Actually, on second thought, it's more like three seconds.



Doofus factor: Supreme. First, you have to make a sign, which requires both premeditation and a trip to an arts-and-crafts store; second, you have to work the network's letters into some kind of sentence, preferably supporting your team, a process more fraught with peril than it seems; third, you have to hold the sign aloft whenever you see a camera, aggravating the people sitting behind you; fourth, you have to have the sheer, oblivious chutzpah to believe that what you're doing is in any way original, creative or amusing. (In other words, the mindset we used to write this column.)

To be fair, Mike & Mike were going through this list yesterday.

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5. Going crazy over giveaway T-shirts and burritos when you're occupying $500 seats

Settle down, people, it's just a cheap T-shirt!Dubious behavior: Responding to ballpark freebies as if you've been ingesting nothing but prune juice and boiled sand weevils for a month, and the CO2 cannon is loaded with invitations to be the next contestant on "The Price Is Right."

Doofus factor: Moderate. Gratis goodies have a way of warping the mind -- drivers will happily spend two hours waiting for $20 of free gasoline -- but when you can afford primo seats, you also can afford room-temperature fast food and cheap, one-wash-and-it's-ruined shirts that you'd never, ever be excited about under any other circumstances. Which means it's the cheerleaders, "Austin Powers" sound snippets and annoying stadium PA guy who are whipping you into a Pavlovian froth. Which means you probably should be embarrassed.

Suggested solution: Get ahold of yourself. Step back from the ledge. Stop waving your hands as if the ballpark prize patrol is a U.N. relief convoy. To use a sports chestnut: Act as if you've been there before. And if a goody happens to land in your lap, give it to a child.

Mitigating circumstances: If you're under the age of 12 and/or still get excited about Happy Meal toys, stay pumped.

Related behaviors: Vigorously cheering for the home team to top 100 points so that everyone in attendance gets a free pizza, then putting in a last-call drink order with the courtside seats waitress.

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16. Beating a kid for an autograph or baseball

You just know there's an obnoxious adult in there trying to get past the kids.Dubious behavior: Snagging a fly ball from just above the outstretched arms of a child; stepping in front of a kid to have your jersey or baseball card autographed.

Doofus factor: Enormous. The fandom equivalent of candy from a baby. Even if you live and die sports -- even if you have a team tattoo -- there's no chance a baseball or autograph means more to you than to a kid. Besides, do you really want to be mistaken for one of those icky, joyless memorabilia dealer/eBay auctioneer athlete hounds?

Suggested solution: Give the baseball or autograph to the kid you beat, the way a grown adult man with a modicum of decency and self-respect would.

Mitigating circumstances: The kid you beat works for one of those icky, joyless memorabilia dealer/eBay auctioneer athlete hounds, in which case, drop him with a forearm shiver. Just kidding. About the forearm part.

Related behaviors: Getting drunk and using vulgar language to taunt the road team when children are sitting within earshot, then acting surly and incredulous when parents ask you to shut up.

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These 2 should be higher

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To be fair, Mike & Mike were going through this list yesterday.

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To be fair, Mike & Mike are doofi.

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5. Going crazy over giveaway T-shirts and burritos when you're occupying $500 seats

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It always amazes me when people won't get up and cheer when a game's coming down to the absolute wire, yet those same people were going crazy a few minutes earlier when the t-shirt people came around and there was about a 2% chance they catch a $5 t-shirt.