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Started By
Message
Need advice from fathers of older sons
Posted on 6/24/14 at 12:56 pm
Posted on 6/24/14 at 12:56 pm
The hospice thread got me thinking about life. I have a 4 yr old boy and he constantly tells me that I get home too late and I work too hard. On one hand I know it's because I want to be able to afford to send him to the college of his choice, and grad school and retirement but on the other hand it's a dagger through the heart when he says that.
How did you handle it? Did you cut back at work? Is now the time to grind ahead since no one remembers life at 4 and slow down at say age 8 or 9?
How did you handle it? Did you cut back at work? Is now the time to grind ahead since no one remembers life at 4 and slow down at say age 8 or 9?
45
Posted on 6/24/14 at 12:57 pm to RedRifle
quote:
How did you handle it?
Do more with the time you have
Posted on 6/24/14 at 12:59 pm to RedRifle
He's telling you what you need to do.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:01 pm to RedRifle
quote:
since no one remembers life at 4
They may not "remember", but you are fooling yourself if you think it isn't shaping his view of you for the rest of his life.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:03 pm to RedRifle
quote:I don't know how true that is. Further, you are still a heavy influence to a child at that age, and it's better to be there for them.
since no one remembers life at 4
Personally, I took the opposite approach. I could pursue an engineering job in the booming O&G sector and probably make a lot more money, but at what cost? The stress would be intensified, and the demands would probably be far more than they are in my current position. I currently work only 40hrs/wk (a few over at times), and am barely south of 6 figures, so I figure that I've got a good balance.
And I've always had aspirations of owning my own firm, but I dated a girl whose dad owns a firm, and she said he was never around when they were kids. To me, it simply isn't worth it. No amount of money is ever going to be able to replace your child's youth, and I'd never want to live with the regret of missing out on any of it.
ETA: I have a 4yr old, and if he ever said anything to me like yours did, I would certainly take it to heart. Again, there is no amount of money that's ever going to replace the time you missed with him. If you haven't seen it, watch the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. It's about this very subject.
This post was edited on 6/24/14 at 1:06 pm
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:03 pm to RedRifle
quote:
He's telling you what you need to do.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:04 pm to Darla Hood
quote:
He's telling you what you need to do.
no. He is 4. he has no clue as to what his father is trying to do or the obligations his father has. he is speaking from the perspective of a four year old.
to the OP, I think you can only do what you can. spend as much time with him as possible. He'll understand as he gets older.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:04 pm to RedRifle
I'm not a dad, nor plan to be one anytime soon, but I have seen both sides of the spectrum of this in my family. My father was always home after work and would come to all our sporting events and spent every weekend with us. I personally believe that time with him even when I was young made me who I am today. Helped me stay out of really bad situations that I could have gotten into as I got older.
On the other hand, my uncle was never home and at for from 5:30 am to 7 pm at night. He's made it up to CFO of a fortune 500 company but his family has suffered. two of my cousins have had bouts with drug problems and alcoholism. I am a firm believer in putting your family first. I think you can find a good balance to be able to afford the things you want for your kids without giving up too much of that QT with them.
On the other hand, my uncle was never home and at for from 5:30 am to 7 pm at night. He's made it up to CFO of a fortune 500 company but his family has suffered. two of my cousins have had bouts with drug problems and alcoholism. I am a firm believer in putting your family first. I think you can find a good balance to be able to afford the things you want for your kids without giving up too much of that QT with them.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:06 pm to RedRifle
How many hours/week do you work? what's your commute?
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:07 pm to RedRifle
He's four. He'll understand when he is older.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:07 pm to GreatLakesTiger24
I leave the house at 7:30am and get home at 6-630 on regular days.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:07 pm to RedRifle
quote:
Do more with the time you have
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:10 pm to tigerinthebueche
quote:
no. He is 4. he has no clue as to what his father is trying to do or the obligations his father has. he is speaking from the perspective of a four year old.
No shite?
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:10 pm to RedRifle
I moved closer to family and got a job that allows me to get off early to spend time with my kids each day. That was 10 years ago and my kids seem pretty happy with their lives. I am happy too!
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:12 pm to RedRifle
quote:
I leave the house at 7:30am and get home at 6-630 on regular days.
That sounds very reasonable. Are there many irregular days?
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:12 pm to RedRifle
when my 2 kids were around the age of your son I worked...lots of hours, out of town, offshore if they needed someone I jumped on it. Now that my kids are older, I still work in the oil and gas field but I have a flexible schedule.
I do alot of things with my kids now, we hunt we fish we travel we just spend alot of time together. I don't miss ball games I help coach you name it I am involved.
Point I guess is keep at it hard for a couple more years then look for something that gives you a little more free time in the evenings and weekends. I value the time I get to spend with them, it has recently hit me that it won't be to much longer and they will be out the house seems like yesterday we were bring them home from the hospital.
I do alot of things with my kids now, we hunt we fish we travel we just spend alot of time together. I don't miss ball games I help coach you name it I am involved.
Point I guess is keep at it hard for a couple more years then look for something that gives you a little more free time in the evenings and weekends. I value the time I get to spend with them, it has recently hit me that it won't be to much longer and they will be out the house seems like yesterday we were bring them home from the hospital.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:15 pm to RedRifle
quote:
How did you handle it? Did you cut back at work? Is now the time to grind ahead since no one remembers life at 4 and slow down at say age 8 or 9?
All I can tell you is that I miss not being there more for my 16 year old growing up. Like you I worked late/weekend ect...
I believe the adage of you get out what you put in is accurate when raising children. I have committed to doing more with my younger ones.
Preaching to myself here, but when it is all said and done, it is about priorities. I prioritized being a good provider than being with them. I think they may have preferred more of me and less things.
Good luck.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:16 pm to RedRifle
As a Dad myself, I can say it's the quality of the time that you spend with the kids that's important. I'm home every night by 6 or 7, help with homework, play with my girls and still wash their hair some nights ( but at 7 and 9 I'm backing out of that now) I work some weekends, even brought them with me on occasion.
I wouldn't as a rule sacrifice financial gains for want of time with them unless it would result in way too much time away from home. If Im not working, Im home. No poker nights, no weekend golfing or fishing trips, THAT type of free time is for the kids - water parks, museums, parades, sporting events they play or cheer in, etc. Make what time you have count, and all will be good.
I wouldn't as a rule sacrifice financial gains for want of time with them unless it would result in way too much time away from home. If Im not working, Im home. No poker nights, no weekend golfing or fishing trips, THAT type of free time is for the kids - water parks, museums, parades, sporting events they play or cheer in, etc. Make what time you have count, and all will be good.
Posted on 6/24/14 at 1:17 pm to lrabor3
I think subconsciously I held a lot of resentment against my dad growing up due to him never making my sporting events and whatnot. He was always working or working on his cars.
We're currently still in the rebuilding process, but it's getting better.
We're currently still in the rebuilding process, but it's getting better.
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