Machine: "Welcome to Pornstar Networking. We appreciate your call. We're too cheap to have a live person answer the phone, but we've got this really neat system where you can talk to the answering machine, and it will help you resolve almost none of the technical issues you may be experiencing. What may we avoid assisting you with today?"
Me: "Hey, yeah, I was calling about getting another wireless router... You see, I've got this goat. Actually it's a herd of goats, but there's only a couple that I let come indoors. So anyway, I was needing to ask you some questions about some issues I had yesterday..."
Machine: "I don't understand. Tell me in just a few words what it is you're calling about."
Me: "Look, I'm in the business of streaming online video of goat sex, and I'm looking for a new wireless router. The last one you sold me turned out to be a real piece of shite.
Machine: "Did you say you are having problems getting a strong wireless signal?"
Me: "No. I said the last router you sold me turned into a piece of shite. I was trying to stream some video of goats making tender love, but one of them bitches got riled up, wandered over to the network closet, and bit off both damn antennas on the router and then kicked the damn thing off the table and stepped on it. I found a couple of pieces of plastic in a pile of her shite this morning."
Machine: "I can help you with that."
Machine: "Have you tried unplugging and restarting your router?"
Me: "Well, not really."
Machine: "Please unplug the router, wait thirty seconds, and plug it back it. I'll stay on the line while you do that."
Me: "Actually, the goat is still locked in the closet, and she's super pissed. I'm not sure I should go in there."
Machine: "Don't be a pussy."
Me: "Kiss my ass."
Machine: "Bite me."
Me: "You want a piece of me?"
Machine: "I don't understand. Can you say it another way?"