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Started By
Message
re: 12 Year Old Girl with BPD
Posted on 5/3/24 at 7:34 am to tunechi
Posted on 5/3/24 at 7:34 am to tunechi
Right. This is Borderline Personality Trait Disorder.
There are similarities between Borderline and Bi-Polar. My Borderline ex-wife was misdiagnosed once as Bi-Polar.
In Borderlines, there is a strong sense/ fear of abandonment. This may be perceived or from an actual traumatic life eperience early early in life.
Professionals aren't sure if Borderline is inherited or learned behavior.
But - my ex is about as emotionally developed as a 14 yr old girl, with manic tendencies, extreme highs and lows.
Here's what you get -
+ Extreme pettiness. Lies. Lack of accountability. I mean - zero, Everything is someone else's fault. And the stuff they complain about is .... 1st grade level stuff
+ Hatred. Turning on you. The ability to sever even the most precious relationaship... on a Tuesday over - you're noteeven sure. But they can cut you off and never speak to you again. Sort of. They will come back to terrorize you later. They'll pull the sweetheart best friend routine....
+ No boundaries or respect for anyone's money. They don't care that you set a permanent rule. They'll figure out a way to break it and they don't mind showing up with no money and someone else paying
+ Horrible with money. No matter how many times they have their lights turned off, or get threatened to have a vehicle re-possessed - they can't keep it together. Someone can sit down with them and financially get them straightened out... in less than 6 months, they're in trouble again.
+ They love new relationships. It almost puts them on cloud 9.
+ The Triangle game.
+ They've been telling everyone how much of an a-hole you are. So they jump you and get a fight started right before you see family. Or while you're on your way to family thing. You get out of the car al angry and pissed. You get short with someone there... "see? I told you he was a f'n a-hole".... and you just stepped in it.
+ Manipulation
+ You aren't helping them enough. I heard this 400 million times.
+ And last and this is the hardest one - I really hope you grasp this part cause I had to learn it the hard way -
There is NO conversation you can have. No special wording. THere are no "homerun phrases" that get through. You can't write a letter... none of that.
No matter how you feel like a certain conversation went, you will be revisiting this very same issue. There is no changing their behavior.
You are not getting through. There is sooo much going on inside them that most of us cannot understand.
You may see them "on their best behavior" for a period of time, or you may have a new best friend (which is wild) but don't worry. In 90 days or less, you will see it all over again.
You can literally take a calendar and understand that this monster is comng back.
There are similarities between Borderline and Bi-Polar. My Borderline ex-wife was misdiagnosed once as Bi-Polar.
In Borderlines, there is a strong sense/ fear of abandonment. This may be perceived or from an actual traumatic life eperience early early in life.
Professionals aren't sure if Borderline is inherited or learned behavior.
But - my ex is about as emotionally developed as a 14 yr old girl, with manic tendencies, extreme highs and lows.
Here's what you get -
+ Extreme pettiness. Lies. Lack of accountability. I mean - zero, Everything is someone else's fault. And the stuff they complain about is .... 1st grade level stuff
+ Hatred. Turning on you. The ability to sever even the most precious relationaship... on a Tuesday over - you're noteeven sure. But they can cut you off and never speak to you again. Sort of. They will come back to terrorize you later. They'll pull the sweetheart best friend routine....
+ No boundaries or respect for anyone's money. They don't care that you set a permanent rule. They'll figure out a way to break it and they don't mind showing up with no money and someone else paying
+ Horrible with money. No matter how many times they have their lights turned off, or get threatened to have a vehicle re-possessed - they can't keep it together. Someone can sit down with them and financially get them straightened out... in less than 6 months, they're in trouble again.
+ They love new relationships. It almost puts them on cloud 9.
+ The Triangle game.
+ They've been telling everyone how much of an a-hole you are. So they jump you and get a fight started right before you see family. Or while you're on your way to family thing. You get out of the car al angry and pissed. You get short with someone there... "see? I told you he was a f'n a-hole".... and you just stepped in it.
+ Manipulation
+ You aren't helping them enough. I heard this 400 million times.
+ And last and this is the hardest one - I really hope you grasp this part cause I had to learn it the hard way -
There is NO conversation you can have. No special wording. THere are no "homerun phrases" that get through. You can't write a letter... none of that.
No matter how you feel like a certain conversation went, you will be revisiting this very same issue. There is no changing their behavior.
You are not getting through. There is sooo much going on inside them that most of us cannot understand.
You may see them "on their best behavior" for a period of time, or you may have a new best friend (which is wild) but don't worry. In 90 days or less, you will see it all over again.
You can literally take a calendar and understand that this monster is comng back.
3
Posted on 5/3/24 at 7:55 am to wheelz007
Everything you said is 100% accurate. This perfectly described my mother. It's pretty cyclical. She makes amends right before Thanksgiving so she has family to be around for the holidays. It lasts through her birthday in the spring time. Around June, she finds a reason to get pissed off or feel slighted by me and my sister, and then doesn't speak to us again until November. Like clockwork.
Her jobs come and go. She always manages to get a good-paying job and do well for a while, then she quits over some perceived slight and runs out of money, almost gets evicted, and will start a gofundme or some shite. She'll ask me and my siblings for money, no one gives her any, and then she magically lands back on her feet again with a good job. Lather, rinse, repeat.
She's in her mid-60s now, so I don't know how much longer she'll be able to swing decent jobs.
If it weren't for my son, I would have cut her off completely and walked away for good. But he loves her and enjoys spending time with her, so we visit with her sparingly when she's on one of her "good" spells. I don't leave him alone with her, though. I don't trust her enough to do that. She's very personable and outgoing and friendly and people who don't truly know her, love her and think she's great. I imagine the first time you hear one of her sad stories that she tells for sympathy, it's pretty compelling. She's a compilation of BPD mother types, but her most prevalent is 'waif.' Her dad died when she was a toddler, so I guess that's where all of this stems from.
This is hard shite for people to go though, but I appreciate hearing everyone else's experiences. Having a close family member with BPD is life changing for all involved.
Her jobs come and go. She always manages to get a good-paying job and do well for a while, then she quits over some perceived slight and runs out of money, almost gets evicted, and will start a gofundme or some shite. She'll ask me and my siblings for money, no one gives her any, and then she magically lands back on her feet again with a good job. Lather, rinse, repeat.
She's in her mid-60s now, so I don't know how much longer she'll be able to swing decent jobs.
If it weren't for my son, I would have cut her off completely and walked away for good. But he loves her and enjoys spending time with her, so we visit with her sparingly when she's on one of her "good" spells. I don't leave him alone with her, though. I don't trust her enough to do that. She's very personable and outgoing and friendly and people who don't truly know her, love her and think she's great. I imagine the first time you hear one of her sad stories that she tells for sympathy, it's pretty compelling. She's a compilation of BPD mother types, but her most prevalent is 'waif.' Her dad died when she was a toddler, so I guess that's where all of this stems from.
This is hard shite for people to go though, but I appreciate hearing everyone else's experiences. Having a close family member with BPD is life changing for all involved.
Posted on 5/3/24 at 8:22 am to wheelz007
quote:
And last and this is the hardest one - I really hope you grasp this part cause I had to learn it the hard way -
There is NO conversation you can have. No special wording. THere are no "homerun phrases" that get through. You can't write a letter... none of that.
This is the hardest truth. Any vulnerability you display when trying to break through to them will be thrown in your face during a future fight in the most hurtful way possible.
Posted on 5/3/24 at 9:52 am to wheelz007
quote:
They love new relationships. It almost puts them on cloud 9.
quote:
The Triangle game.
quote:
They've been telling everyone how much of an a-hole you are. So they jump you and get a fight started right before you see family. Or while you're on your way to family thing. You get out of the car al angry and pissed. You get short with someone there... "see? I told you he was a f'n a-hole".... and you just stepped in it.
quote:
There is NO conversation you can have. No special wording. THere are no "homerun phrases" that get through. You can't write a letter... none of that.
No matter how you feel like a certain conversation went, you will be revisiting this very same issue. There is no changing their behavior.
You are not getting through. There is sooo much going on inside them that most of us cannot understand.
You may see them "on their best behavior" for a period of time, or you may have a new best friend (which is wild) but don't worry. In 90 days or less, you will see it all over again.
man, these REALLY resonate. especially the bolded one. that's actualyl one of the things that led me to discover and learn about BPD. i started googling things that were happening in my relationship that made no sense, and that was one of the things. because it was a total trend. we woudl end up in these big fights right before seeing friends or family or some sort of fun event and i finally started piecing it together - like this ALWAYS HAPPENS for no reason!
it's wild.
This post was edited on 5/3/24 at 9:54 am
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